ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, March 13, 1996 TAG: 9603130034
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
I'll soon be writing my congressman for a grant to develop a television chip that will not allow decent persons to view television programs that are tasteless, dumb, cruel or worse.
I know this probably will mean that we'll be looking at nothing a lot, but if children can get a chip to shield them from violence, we deserve a little protection, too.
This would mean that devoted persons, such as yours truly here, who constantly searches for inspiring, enlightening television shows, would not have to worry about being called a channel surfer.
It's well-known that nobody likes a channel surfer. You don't believe it, you come by the house one Friday night after spaghetti and watch my family abuse me. I'd ask you for spaghetti, but the kitchen table isn't big enough.
Think of it.
An old Doris Day movie comes on and the anti-sweetie-sweet section of the chip saves you from an attack of cutesy-poo-girl-next-door-itis.
My chip would block any Charlton Heston movie and would shut off the electricity momentarily anytime "Ben Hur" came on.
The chip would start working immediately when anybody started interviewing a movie director, who, if the chip hadn't dumped him, would be saying:
"I wanted to make a movie that touched and drew the definitions of humanity and life; to show the human race what it is and what it might have been; to show the vanity of existence. That's why I had to have Sharon Stone get nekkid so much."
My chip would protect us from infomercials for exercise equipment and chunky blondes selling gunk that takes other gunk off of wood. It would make sure nobody in your house ever saw one of those really funny home videos in which old ladies run hilariously into telephone poles.
Nobody would sit around nervously during a Jenny Jones talk show wondering whether the guy who is going to marry his sister's godmother - and has confessed openly that he cross-dresses - is going to pull a piece out of his bustier and shoot up the audience.
My device would zap both Richard Simmons, whether or not he was wearing his cute gym shorts, and his mother. It would kill shows that tell us how "Thudball IV" was made, although we don't really care.
I was going to program my chip to dump Princess Di, but I kind of like her. She's taking the queen for a ride.
Besides, Richard Simmons should look so good in shorts.
LENGTH: Medium: 51 linesby CNB