ROANOKE TIMES 
                      Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times

DATE: Wednesday, March 20, 1996              TAG: 9603200013
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1    EDITION: METRO 
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE

AT AGE 4, MY COMPUTER IS JUST GETTING BROKEN IN

I didn't know that people who make computers come out with spring lines each year. That's right. Like dresses and hats.

I thought they came out with new models every third Thursday of the month.

I'll soon be celebrating the fourth anniversary with my computer. We're old friends now. I've never figured out how to balance my checkbook on Old Clytemnestra, and I don't hold it against her. In all these years, I've never hurt her feelings by calling her a PC.

I haven't used the program that lets you concoct a cute Christmas card for your Uncle Malvolio. I want a Christmas card, I'll buy one the old-fashioned way.

I've ignored the recipe section and the one that lets me list all the things I have to for a trip to Bermuda - including what to pack. I tried that just for the fun of it once and the computer laughed and laughed, although it doesn't have a speaker.

My family laughs when I say I'm going on an extended trip to Mouth of Wilson.

I don't need to send messages to anyone, and I don't think there is anybody out there just dying to send a message to me.

I get nervous when I think about writing things like http://www.hardbody/dusseldorf. I think this has to do with web sites or something like that.

I won't get into a discussion about the smutty stuff you can read on computers these days. My Old Clytemnestra wouldn't download - or is that upload? - that kind of thing.

I don't know whether you find that kind of junk at a web site or not. I wouldn't know a web site if I met one squeezing Florida-ripened tomatoes on the City Market.

I'm not going to throw Old Clytie out into the street - which is about all you can do to get rid of a 4-year-old computer - and buy one of those fancy new models.

I don't like the idea of speakers in a computer. It seems to me you're just asking for the day when the thing will start talking back to you - or maybe threaten the cat.

I also can't imagine why any decent person would want software that allows you to see the Playmate of the Month. If you want to see the centerfold, you ought to be man enough to buy the magazine in public.

I'm sticking with the computer I brought to the dance until her database is shot.

When that day comes, I'll give her decent a burial and maybe look at one of those laptops I can take down to the beach if I ever do get to Bermuda.

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