ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, April 3, 1996 TAG: 9604030067
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: DAVID GRIMES SARASOTA (FLA.) HERALD-TRIBUNE
I read a piece of gardening advice the other day that was most encouraging, which is a rare thing for gardening advice to be.
Most gardening advice involves hoisting heavy sacks of dirt out of your trunk, hacking out trenches for expensive sprinkler systems or crawling around on your hands and knees in the hot sun while scorpions crawl in your socks and plague-carrying weevils drill holes in your neck.
But this bit of gardening advice was something I could relate to: ``If your plants and shrubs have turned brown from the recent freeze, the best thing you can do for them is nothing at all.''
I have long been of the opinion that doing nothing at all is the best approach to take to gardening and, for that matter, life in general. I am convinced that people would be better off if they treated their problems like a frost-damaged philodendron and did nothing at all. Their problems won't go away, of course, but at least they'll be better rested.
The do-nothing-at-all approach to gardening may sound easy but it actually requires a fair bit of concentration and commitment. Some people - wives, for instance - will try to make you feel guilty about doing nothing in the garden. The best way to deal with these people is to smile, nod your head in a sympathetic manner and ... do nothing. (Caution: It is probably a good idea to scratch or get up and go to the bathroom occasionally because if you sit motionless for too long your wife may mistake you for a piece of old furniture and sell you at her next garage sale.)
To see if you are cut out to be a do-nothing gardener, take the following quiz:
1) Giant gooberworms are destroying your prize tomato plants. You should immediately
a) Pick the gooberworms off one by one with your trusty gooberworm tweezers.
b) Make the gooberworms listen to Bob Dole's State of the Union response over and over again for 24 hours.
c) Stage a full-scale counterattack involving toxic chemicals and flamethrowers.
d) Snap on a rerun of ``Baywatch.'' 2) To help your plants grow bigger and bushier, you should
a) Water and fertilize them regularly.
b) Stop running over them with the lawn mower.
c) Make sure they get a good night's sleep, exercise regularly and eat a balanced diet that includes plenty of fruits and vegetables.
d) Take a nap. 3) Florida is the perfect place to grow a garden because
a) The climate is good.
b) There's nothing else to do.
c) The roads are so clogged with tourists that you'd starve before you made it to the grocery store.
d) Several movie channels are available on pay-for-view. 4) Cucurbita pepo is Latin for
a) zucchini
b) ``Are you sure this is safe to eat?''
c) ``I think I'm going to be sick.''
d) ``My lawyer will be calling you in the morning.'' 5) In choosing between astilbe and hosta, you should
a) Choose astilbe.
b) Choose hosta.
c) Flip a coin.
d) Withhold judgment until after the swimsuit competition.
Answers: Taking a quiz, no matter how dimwitted, does not constitute doing nothing. In other words, if you answered any of the questions, you flunked.
David Grimes is a columnist for the Sarasota (Fla.) Herald-Tribune.
LENGTH: Medium: 76 lines ILLUSTRATION: GRAPHIC: color illustration by STEVE STINSON STAFFby CNB