ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Sunday, April 14, 1996 TAG: 9604150012
SECTION: CURRENT PAGE: NRV-2 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
COLUMN: Dispatches from Rye Hollow
SOURCE: STEVE KARK
I've been trying to engage our dogs in a meaningful conversation. And while my efforts have been entirely one-sided so far, I plan to keep at it until a deeper level of understanding is established between us.
I know what you're thinking: it's cabin fever. That ol' boy has gone around the bend. He doesn't have both oars in the water, so to speak. That sort of thing.
But that's not it at all.
You see, the other day I saw this pet psychologist on one of those morning talk shows. She and the hostess were chatting it up with this old cocker spaniel while the dog's owner sat patiently nearby.
"He tells me there's a disturbing influence in his home environment," says the psychologist. "Is that so?"
The owner nods.
"And he tells me that this disturbance has made him very anxious. It upsets his equilibrium. He can't always hold it until he gets outside. He feels frustrated by his inability to change his behavior."
The owner, a librarian from San Francisco, nods again and looks down: "I thought it must have been something like that. My husband hit him with a paper. I knew this would happen."
In the end the psychologist leans down and gives the dog a hug. "He'll be all right now," she says. "He just wanted you to know how he felt."
There's been a lot of this sort of thing lately. Pet psychologists have made the rounds on all the talk shows. I saw one with an office in a beach house near L.A. She had a waiting room for smaller animals inside (decorated with animal stars from the movies) and a corral for horses and such outside.
Some have even written books about it, stuff like "How to talk to your Dog" and the obvious spinoff "How to talk to your Cat."
They've been on the best-seller lists for months. The books sell so fast bookstores are having a hard time keeping them in stock.
While the rest of us worry about our jobs, pet psychologists are hitting it big. They're rakin' in the cash!
I know a good thing when I see it, and I'd like a piece of that action.
After all, how hard can it be? I've watched enough of them in action to know the routine.
Of course, you don't really talk to the animals; any fool can see they're nonverbal. No, you just lean over and mumble a few things, look 'em in the eye real serious and tell the owner some psychological, New-Age mumbo jumbo like: "He needs more space" or "He feels repressed because you won't let him bark in the house."
Then you hand the owner a bill for 50 bucks and ask to see the next patient.
I mean, who are they kidding? I've never once seen a situation where a pet said something that made any sense to the way it behaves.
Given the chance, Koko, our retriever, might say something like, "Hey, that was a great snack you left in the garbage last night."
I might catch one of the cats grooming next to a pile of feathers. He'd say, "What are you looking at? I like it best when they flap their wings before I eat them."
If they could talk, that's what they'd say. I wasn't born yesterday. Who do those pet psychologists think they're fooling?
Yeah, I can see it all coming together. Go ahead, tell me I'm a half-bubble off plumb if you want.
It don't mean nothing to me. I'm in training.
LENGTH: Medium: 67 linesby CNB