ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, April 24, 1996 TAG: 9604240009
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
Well, all of you puny, spineless people who whined about the cold weather are starting to have your way right now.
Oh, the ecstasy of it! Oh, warm breezes! Oh, the voice of the turtle is heard in the land! Oh, go dig up a dandelion!
If any of you clowns don't have enough grass to cut to be as ecstatic about the season as you'd like, come on over and I'll make you really happy.
Hot weather has done little for this country in the past, and I don't see why you people like it so much.
Hot weather ruins your creative process. It also makes you sweat and smell like a wet Old English sheepdog, which is minor compared to losing your creative process.
I can't think of any great literature or drama that was written in hot weather. Sure. You got William Faulkner and Tennessee Williams, but most people don't understand what these guys were saying. I personally think the heat got to them.
If Charles Darwin had lived in Florida instead of decently chilly England, he'd have spent so much time at the beach girl-watching that "The Origin of the Species" never would have been written. Which would have been good for all the college students who have had to read it.
Let's have an honest show of hands here: How many of you spot-read the book and then used crib notes to pass the exam?
I bet Isaac Newton invented gravity during a cold snap in the apple-growing season.
If George Washington hadn't spent the winter at Valley Forge, his men wouldn't have been peeved enough to win at Yorktown.
But there are other, less historical effects of hot weather.
Somewhere in this country this summer, a very sick man will tell his psychiatrist: "I mow it and when I go inside for an O'Doul's, it laughs and starts growing again. I can hear it at night, Laughing and growing. Growing and laughing. I can't take it anymore. Do you hear me? Ahhhhhhhhh-Haaaaaaaaa-Haaaaaaaaaaaa!"
We haven't mentioned gnats - another charming feature of hot weather. Or those tiny black things that sting you above your eye and in a couple of minutes you swell up and look like you're wearing a water-filled balloon on your face.
Then, you have thunder and lightning and leaking gutters.
Actually, I kind of like thunderstorms because they cool things off.
Except they scare the dog and tend to make the grass grow faster and laugh too much.
LENGTH: Medium: 53 linesby CNB