ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, April 29, 1996 TAG: 9604300009
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
So you didn't get invited to the queen's birthday party earlier this month?
Cheer up. You'd probably have been bloody bored the entire time.
Somehow, I don't think the queen throws a real good party. Which is to say that nobody wears lampshades or does the Bunny Hop or gets sauced enough to sing "My Mother's Name Was Mary."
Elizabeth II is just a trifle older than I am and I can tell you that when she was young she was rather, well, something of a stick-in-the-mud.
She'd probably have bombed as a cheerleader.
She wasn't the type to hang out at the drugstore soda fountain making eyes over a grilled cheese sandwich and a vanilla shake.
From what I can tell, she was the type who'd throw you in the Tower of London and think nothing of it.
She has always dressed like these two now-departed maiden aunts of mine, although their gingham dresses were a bit more daring.
And they wore sexier hats.
Actually, however, you have to feel sorry for the old girl. I suspect her recent domestic difficulties may have distracted the poor dear to the extent that she quite forgot to put you on the invitation list. Keep that thought anyway.
Really, chaps and ladies, who the deuce has had a ruddier time of it lately than the queen?
First, there was that dreadful business with Bonnie Prince Charlie and Princess Diana - who looks like she drinks too many of those diet milkshakes.
And then Prince Andrew and that Ferguson person - who was said, quite spitefully, I thought, to be a bit hippy - broke up.
It may help some to realize that the queen didn't invite either of the above women to her birthday party, either.
I'm sure this stung them severely, but it could have been worse.
If the current queen had the same authority as Elizabeth I, both of these beauties would be doing hard time in the Tower.
As it is, the divorce settlements will give each of them enough money to buy Chicago.
To be fair, I'll mention here that many people think Charlie and Andrew are twerps. I wouldn't say that. I'd say they ain't exactly King Arthur material.
Now, don't get mad when I tell you that I could have gone to the party and given you a full report.
But silly me. Dashed if I didn't lose my invitation.
One moment it was there on the fridge door, beside the cat's vet appointment, and the next moment the jolly old thing was gone.
LENGTH: Medium: 54 linesby CNB