ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, May 1, 1996 TAG: 9605010010
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
Here is the aged, semi-retired, semi-hysterical reporter taking his lawn mower in for repairs.
I'm dressed in my gray knit shorts with the oil stains down the front, a fits-any-size red T-shirt that comes almost to my knees, and grass-stained knee socks with fashionable red bands.
I also have on my really dirty rubber-cleated shoes, which might make you think I'm a golfer who simply doesn't care what he looks like when he goes to the clubhouse for a vodka and tonic.
I should have a sign saying: "WILL WORK FOR DECENT CLOTHES.''
The reason I'm dressed this way is that the mower started slipping gears even as I mowed and I wanted to get treatment for it immediately.
You know the old saying in suburbia: "The quicker you get it to the shop, the quicker you get it back to keep up with the grass in the back yard where the septic tank is buried."
Ideally, I'd like to be wearing a clean pair of lightly starched khakis, a nice golf shirt and boat shoes with no socks when I take my mower to the shop. But you wear what you have to wear at a time like that.
I think my T-shirt rolls up slightly on my body when I see this sign that says the labor rate is $38.50 an hour.
I think that mower repair people - some of whom probably have condos at the beach - are trained to say, grimly: "Well, you know, our turnaround time is a week."
Some people like to joke and say: "Yeah, well, I'd sure like to get it back by Thursday. I got this back yard with a buried septic tank, and one of these days I'm going to lose the dog in the grass. And she weighs 75 pounds. Har. Har. Har."
This does not exactly bring down the house in your average lawn mower repair place. I'm certainly not suggesting that lawn mower repair people don't have great senses of humor. It's me. Never could tell a joke.
The woman at the counter writes down what I tell her, which is: "Keeps going out of gear." She takes the name, address and telephone number and I figure I'll get my Honda back on or about St. Swithin's Day.
I wish I could have done better than that. "Keeps going out of gear," indeed. The guy trying to figure out what's wrong at $38.50 an hour ought to have more than that to go on.
If you don't hear from me for a while, it'll mean I've enrolled in a course in small-engine repair.
I'll mail you a card when Bennie's Little Engine Repair Shoppe opens.
LENGTH: Medium: 52 linesby CNB