ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, May 13, 1996 TAG: 9605130166
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
Isn't this just the greatest time of the year?
Your personal property taxes are due, and you're having nightmares about putting the new decals on the windshield.
The car insurance is due, and you forgot to get a Mother's Day present and you said, well, your wife isn't YOUR mother, and everybody looked at you real nasty.
The pollen count is so high you have to wear a breathing apparatus to go get the mail, and you've been in the sun and your face is so red it scares the dog.
Now they're saying Admiral Byrd didn't fly over the pole after all, and your favorite brand went up big-time at the liquor store.
The drawstring in your favorite shorts just disappeared into the waist band.
And then I find out that when you buy an electric clothes dryer, the wire that connects it to your electricity - without which it would be a lump of white metal with these nice dials on it - is extra.
Boy. The Maytag repairman didn't tell me about that.
What's next?
Maybe you sign a contract for a new house and you're feeling all warm inside and the salesman says: "I know you're going to love it here, Emory. It's just you. Once you get up the extra money for the windows, doors and roof, you and the little woman are going to have quite a love nest here."
You buy a new suit and the salesman says: "It fits you like a glove, Merriwether. You could be president in that suit. I'll have the lapels put on the minute you pay for 'em.''
You buy a new car and the salesman says: "This little baby will burn up the highway, Bertram, once we get the extra five grand from you for the engine and wheels."
I'm told by people more familiar with modern life in American that this extra money for the cord is neither new nor a very big deal. They say get hold of yourself and live in the real world.
But I say that if this practice gets into general usage in this country, we'll all be broke long before Medicare and Social Security run out of money.
I see the day when you don't get a check or an electronic deposit for Social Security unless you pay extra for the ink or the deposit transaction.
I see ruin and hear the breaking of the Great American Dream.
It's OK. Go ahead and laugh. Just don't come crying to me next Christmas when your Aunt Zelda writes you out of her will for giving her a microwave oven that doesn't include the wave part.
LENGTH: Medium: 53 linesby CNB