ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Sunday, May 19, 1996 TAG: 9605170086
SECTION: SENIOR STYLE PAGE: 6 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: SARAH COX
Your suddenly single, you're a senior citizen, and you're lonely. Whether you're single from your spouse's death or from divorce, it's the same - an unhappy, lonesome situation that probably will take considerable adjustment.
Marvin Perkins, a psychiatrist who is the medical director of the partial hospitalization program at Alleghany Regional Hospital, said people should prepare themselves for being alone eventually.
"Couples need to recognize they are two individuals. Each has to have a good sense of who they are, what they need, and what they enjoy. Couples don't die together, usually, and they should prepare for this,'' he said.
One of the best and most successful ways to prepare for being alone is having a good support system in place. One woman, who had been married for 50 years, said she and her husband intentionally moved back to Roanoke - her childhood home - where they had many good friends. They chose not to retire where their children lived, she said, because their families were involved in work and raising children. She'd rather go visit them, and have her group of friends here with her.
It was a good decision. Now, alone, she continues an exercise routine she and her husband worked at together while he was still living. She also has a good group of friends to do things with.
Gloria Reiske, a licensed clinical social worker and program director of Alleghany Regional Hospital's partial hospitalization program, says that having a support system is number one on the agenda toward recovery. Most of one's life, she said, you are surrounded by the social activities of being a spouse. Now, suddenly you're not a couple anymore.
"Where do you go to have a fulfilling social life? You don't have to feel like a third wheel - there are groups to fit your purpose,'' she said. These groups, she said, can be found within churches, senior citizen agencies such as Viva of Roanoke Memorial and Community Hospitals, schools, women's groups, business groups and volunteer activities.
"Go where there are people doing things. It is awkward at first, but you have to see it as something for yourself,'' she said.
Perkins said it's extremely important to continue lifelong learning. This way, you are preparing yourself throughout life for changes and at the same time, you're never helpless. Keep alert and keep a youthful interest in things you enjoy, he suggested.
There is a tendency, particularly with men, to become completely absorbed in work and suddenly, faced with retirement and perhaps widowhood, they have no activities to take up time.
Both men and women can feel totally helpless when they find themselves suddenly alone. A man, he said, may not know how to care for household situations. A woman may find herself paying bills and facing investment decisions for the first time.
"There are self-help groups for people who suddenly reach the crunch and aren't prepared for it,'' he said. The warning signs for those who do need professional help are protracted mourning, a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness, and despondency. If family members notice these signs, they may want to reach out to the individual. A counselor can be contacted, he said, or a church. Perkins also suggested getting the family member involved in an activity, such as a walking group, whose members may be able to relate better to the senior's situation.
Reiske believes one's quality of life is grounded in a sense of self.
"You have to look at aging as just a number; it means you have wisdom and experience,'' she said. A senior who is experiencing a traumatic loss needs to look at this as an opportunity for self-growth. Help them to understand, she said, that they have choices.
"Who we are is determined by our choices, and it's never too late to make quality choices,'' she said.
Reiske, who owns her own counseling business and has also established the Women in Networking organization, said developing a goal is a good step in the right direction. This is a problem with women who have been giving of themselves for such a long time, she said, that they've forgotten who they are and what they want.
"The way you begin to help an individual is to ask them, are they living for today, tomorrow or yesterday? Make them believe today is a new beginning. Help them guide themselves into their own future,'' she said.
The Women in Networking organization is a resource management service which connects women with resources to help them get back on their feet, said Reiske. She said she believes women are beginning to look at opportunities more, and they are becoming more assertive. And although both she and Perkins advise not to make snap financial decisions at the time of a spouse's death or divorce, she said most seniors tend not to anyway - the majority are conservative and inquire first before they jump.
Suddenly living alone is one of the most difficult adjustments a senior can make. Here, the support system can come into play. Get out and be with friends. Or move to a seniors' apartment complex. Or install better security measures. The choice is yours.
"You can choose to love and be loved. You can go on to other relationships. When you look at fulfillment of life, you look at someone who has taken responsibility for themselves. You have more success in life when you create it,'' she said.
LENGTH: Medium: 97 lines ILLUSTRATION: PHOTO: TIM TREVILIAN. Gloria Reiske, a licensed clinical socialby CNBworker and program director of Alleghany Regional Hospital's partial
hospitalization program, says that having a support system is the
first step toward recovery.