ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Sunday, May 26, 1996 TAG: 9605280051
SECTION: VIRGINIA PAGE: A1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: MATT CHITTUM STAFF WRITER
note: above
CAPT. Gary Greer was studying the surface of the Roanoke River. It was silty brown and running a little high from heavy rain early Saturday morning. "It don't look too bad," he said, thoughtfully. "Wonder what it tastes like."
Greer was afraid he was about to get an unpleasant answer to his own question when he and his crew launched their spider-shaped raft in the Festival River Race in Smith Park. They were one of 25 entries in the race, which kicks off the 11-day Festival in the Park.
The awkwardly named "Black and Yellow Widow" was, if not the fastest thing on Roanoke River Saturday, probably the most unusual. It consisted of a big, spherical "body" and about six "legs," each with an inner tube tethered to the end of it.
"We're not out here to race," said Doug Lockhart, growling around a cigar clenched in his teeth.
It's a good thing. The rangy arachnid was not what you'd call a hydrodynamic wonder.
"We're not into that part," said crew member Curt Bondurant. "We're just here to show and go."
Most of the crew, employees of Specialty Sheet Metal and their friends, stood around drawing deeply on cigarettes, as if awaiting execution. Bondurant zipped his lighter and pack of Merits into a plastic bag and stuffed the whole thing down his shirt - something he came up with after soaking his smokes in last year's race.
"It's got a lot of character," remarked spectator David Smith as the spider passed.
The crew reclined in inner tubes, paddling languidly in the cold water. Lockhart puffed away on a fresh cigar.
"They definitely don't have the velocity," Smith said. "They look comfortable, though."
Along the river were the usual trailers emanating myriad smells from myriad grills.
There was pizza and lemonade, kielbasa and kabobs, fruit sippers and funnel cake.
And foam, lots of foam.
The Roanoke Fire Department used their hoses and a big fan to whip up a field of bubbles that swallowed up child after child. But they didn't come out squeaky clean.
"There's nothing but mud under there," pointed out one firefighter. "Wonder if we've lost any kids in there yet."
The festivities had already lost enough patrons to the threat of foul weather. The temperature never made it out of the 60s Saturday. Skies were overcast.
"This isn't half of what I usually do," said Byron Roop, who has peddled kielbasa and bratwurst sandwiches at the festival for the last few years. "Maybe people are just tired of the same old thing," he speculated.
Those that did come seemed to have a blast cheering on the parade of nautical misfits that continued down the river.
There was Bell Atlantic's "Mothership," a space-themed platform on four empty 50-gallon drums with a pay telephone to Mars on it.
The massive "Noah's Ark" raft got hung on the rocks in a shallow stretch of the river. The crew popped its feet out the bottom, Flintstone-style, and lifted the ark free.
Standing by their olive-green, army-truck raft, several camouflaged members of the state-sanctioned Virginia Defense Force spent most of their prerace time explaining that they were not that kind of a militia.
And in the "minutes of engineering, hours of construction" category there was the "Hiawatha," entered by the organizers of Roanoke's poetry slams.
"See that metal cooler?" asked Maria Kushnir. "That's the best flotation device there is. Duct tape? That's saved us every year."
This is the third year in a row the regulars of Roanoke's poetry slam have entered a, well, it's the third year they've entered something.
Someone came up to Kushnir and asked if the raft were designed by a Virginia Tech engineering student. ``I said, `No, it's poets!'''
Before their heat, Kushnir repeated the crew's mantra: "Gravity is our friend, gravity is our friend."
The team also has a mission statement, or three.
No. 1: "To save the divine cheese baby."
No. 2: "Velveeta is but recycled leisure suits."
No. 3: "If we bite your head off, we promise to spit it out, or your money back."
They didn't get any money for it, but the Hiawatha did win a trophy for Best Raft by a Non-profit Organization category.
The Virginia Defence Force boat, "Charlie Company C-1-4," was the fastest craft.
"Noah's Ark" took three categories - People's Choice, Best Neighborhood Raft and the I Can't Believe It Floats award - but ended the day on a sad note. The top of the ark was torn off when its crew tried to haul it away under a low bridge.
The "Black and Yellow Widow" won Best Commercial Entry, while the Pepto-Bismarck III, a mass of heavy-grade arthroscopy bags with orthopedic surgeon Al Durham at the helm, won in the Best Individual and Most Original categories.
But even those who didn't take home trophies took home a lesson or two about the Festival River Race.
"Don't wear a mask, 'cause I didn't know what was going on," said Mary Ann Bishop, a Bell Atlantic computer technician who rode her company's space-themed float dressed as E.T.
"We need to negotiate to get those paddles from the losers," said Roger Downey, plant manager at Dragon Corp. His crew won its heat, but broke its paddles.
And from Doug Lockhart, the soaking wet, cigar-smoking member of the "Black and Yellow Widow" crew, came this piece of advice about the race:
"Don't do it!"
LENGTH: Long : 118 lines ILLUSTRATION: PHOTO: 1. Specialty Sheet Metal's giant spider raft makes itby CNBway down the Roanoke River Saturday during the Festival River Race
in Smith Park. color WAYNE DEEL STAFF
2. Kelsey Whitenack tries to find her way out of a river of foam in
Smith Park. color
3. Allen Hodges, 5, and Cody - both dressed as Power Rangers - wait
their turn in Festival's third annual children-dog look-alike
contest. color WAYNE DEEL STAFF
4. Justin Hurst takes a nap along the river's edge Saturday during
the sort of laid-back raft race. WAYNE DEEL STAFF