ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Tuesday, May 28, 1996 TAG: 9605290004
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Beth Macy
SOURCE: BETH MACY
This year for Mother's Day, I asked for something playful, something fun. Something that required my husband to wear his sexy, leather carpenter's tool belt, which reminds me of Tarzan in a loincloth - only with a hammer instead of a rope.
This year, I asked for a swing set for my son, one of those Swing-N-Slide lumber ensembles that are sold as a "kit." You see them advertised at places such as Lowe's (where the "kit" comes with swings and slide, lumber sold separately) and Moore's (where the "kit" includes lumber and hardware, slide sold separately).
Batteries, brawn and brainpower are definitely not included.
You'll notice I put quotation marks around the elusive word, "kit." That's because I had to consult my American Heritage for its true meaning: 1. A set of instruments or equipment used for a specific purpose; a survival kit. 2. a kitten or other young fur-bearing animal. 3. A small three-stringed violin.
Note that the phrases "hardware-store hell," "four-day project" and "instructions incomprehensible" are expressly omitted from the definition.
So, as a reader's survival guide, I've compiled some instructions of my own:
DAY ONE: Wander into Moore's. Try (unsuccessfully) to establish eye contact with someone who knows the meaning of "miter saw."
Finally, seek out the only person who will talk to you: the store security guard. Follow him as he leads you to the Pioneer Swing-N-Slide, which boasts such things as: "EZ Frame Bracket!" "DO IT YOURSELF!" AND "The Ultimate Family Fun Center!"
(Helpful Hint No.1: Never buy anything that sells itself by having more than three exclamation points on the package.)
Take the box to the first available check-out, wait 10 minutes for your turn, then find out you should have been standing in the customer service line. Wait 15 more minutes, turn over your week's paycheck, then drive your car around back for the lumber-accessory portion of your "kit."
Follow the pleasant lumber person around in your car for approximately one hour. Watch as he pulls out board upon board, sliding it into the rear portion of your station wagon.
Try not to get nervous when the pleasant lumber person laughs maniacally and tells you, "Don't start building till I get there," and then waves goodbye. Drive away - very carefully - with eight feet of lumber sticking out the back of your car.
(Helpful hint No. 2: The faster you accelerate up a hill, the more likely your husband is to accompany the lumber when it falls out the back.)
Arrive home. Program the numbers 9-1-1 into the speed-dial feature of your cordless phone.
Set the phone next to your husband's power tools. Then, LEAVE - repeat, LEAVE -for the duration of the day. Do not pass go.
Consider the possibility of your 2-year-old smiling - in full orthodontia - before the Swing-N-Slide is ever assembled.
(Helpful hint No. 3: Don't forget to drive to a second Moore's location across town for the missing slide portion of the "kit.")
DAY TWO: Mother's Day. Hold your son up to the window so he can watch his father pound nails, drill holes and saw myriad pieces of lumber. Chuckle at the way Dad's cowboy hat complements his tool belt ("to keep the sun off my neck").
When your son looks at the splayed mess of boards and says, "Is Daddy done with my swing set yet?" be glad you're raising an optimist.
DAY THREE: Monday. Back to work - for a rest.
DAY FOUR: Before dinner, drive to Lowe's for the nuts and bolts that were missing from the slide portion of the "kit." After dinner, watch your husband attach the final piece - under the light of a Coleman lantern.
When your toddler begs to go sliding in the dark, let him.
Consider your four-day, 400-pound Mother's Day "kit": Beats a Hallmark and a box of chocolates any day.
LENGTH: Medium: 75 lines ILLUSTRATION: GRAPHIC: Robert Lunsford. color.by CNB