ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, June 12, 1996 TAG: 9606120015
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
I am now convinced that the people who make lawn-care products have entered into a conspiracy with local governments in this country.
I believe that for enough money to repave DeLancy Street, your local government will put something in the water that gets you crazy to buy fertilizer and weed killers.
If they get too much in the water, your eyes glaze and you contract with a professional outfit to kill all the wire grass in the front yard, haul in loads of topsoil and reseed. This will cost just about what they wanted Germany to pay in reparations after World War I.
I can't think of any other reason why we are that way about our lawns - which hardly anybody comes to see and which we have turned into useless pieces of green grass that squirrels aren't supposed to walk on.
You don't play croquet on your lawn because it might wear down the grass at the center wicket, and you certainly never intend to have a lawn party with a lot of morons stomping around.
And there you are, with a hopper full of fertilizer in your rotary spreader, which you walk after very briskly. You do this because a slower pace means that fertilizer leaks out and burns holes in the grass.
After you've done 15,000 square feet, including the banks, you rest next to the phone in case you have to call 911.
When the chest pain goes away, you mix up all of this stuff - which would kill a horse - in a 2-gallon sprayer and shoot the dandelions with it.
It's awful, oily, mean-smelling stuff, and it reminds you to update your will.
Most dandelions just laugh, go to seed and make little dandelions. Some of them die, though. About Oct. 31, usually.
If you don't wash real good after the spraying, you get a lot sicker than the dandelions.
There's no doubt somebody is putting something addictive in the water.
No normal person wants grass to grow so fast you mow it twice a week or try to get a farmer to mow it for hay.
But we pour this stuff on our lawns, although many of us could use the money for vitamin pills and knee braces.
I hope the banking industry notices what's going on with the lawn people. I hope the bankers will pave Woodbine Way in exchange for a chemical in the water that makes us crazy to buy certificates of deposit.
That way, you make a little money - and you don't have to mow or fertilize those babies.
LENGTH: Medium: 56 linesby CNB