ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Sunday, June 16, 1996 TAG: 9606140020
SECTION: BUSINESS PAGE: 3 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: WORKING IT OUT
SOURCE: CAMILLE WRIGHT MILLER
Q: I work with a real pistol who yanks my chain every day. I'm angry all day and even into the evening at home. I've done conflict management/asser-tiveness training - it isn't working. The passive-aggressive behavior is getting to me, as I suppose my tormentor wants.
A: Gloria Elliott, senior consultant with the Roanoke-based Elliott & Associates, says that you need "verbal self-defense skills, verbal judo to deal with those who do verbal violence." "Verbal muggers," as Elliott calls them, are most often thought of as "hostile, but they also come as indecisive, or overagreeable. Aggressive, passive, and passive-aggressive behavior can present problems."
The problem, she says, is "we mistakenly continue to believe we're dealing with normal people so we try normal responses."
Elliott, who teaches courses on dealing with "very, very, very difficult people," says "we're all jerks sometimes, but there's 10 to 15 percent of the population who are jerks all the time."
Elliott says that "with a normal person, you could have a conversation. With the jerk, you have to take a safety stance." While each situation, or jerk, should be handled according to behavior and intent, Elliott offers an example of that stance. "Take a deep breath and adopt a different physical stance. Put a blank look on your face. Then apply noncommittal language, such as `how interesting.' Then leave."
In the ``safety stance, you regain a sense of control.'' Elliott likens this to moving into "computer mode where you shut up, consider the options, and identify the type of person and behavior you're confronting. Instead of taking the bait, you change your usual reaction and throw the jerk off-balance."
Elliott sees "jerks often promoted beyond their competency, but still remain unknown to the boss. Just like criminals pick victims carefully, jerks rarely pick the boss as a victim."
Very difficult people should be dealt with. Elliott says that "bosses need to know that 24 percent of the work world day is spend managing conflict. Work can't succeed if conflict isn't handled. These people - jerks - drain 95 percent of people's energy. Dealing with jerks isn't picking on them, it's restoring your balance."
Q: An employee here pays bills, balances checkbooks, and makes personal business calls during work hours. How can I get this person to do the work we're paid to do?
A: If you have supervisory authority over the employee, tell the individual that personal business is to be handled during breaks or after work. Explain that you've noticed the behavior and it isn't appropriate.
If you're working as part of a team, without supervisory authority, talk privately with your co-worker. Explain that team members need to contribute fully in order for the team to succeed. Ask your co-worker to cooperate by handling personal business on breaks.
If you aren't working in a supervisory capacity or with a team and the situation seriously harms your productivity, report the situation to your joint supervisor. Then leave it to your supervisor. Whether the situation is handled to your satisfaction or not isn't an issue. It's now the supervisor's problem.
If the behavior doesn't affect the quality of your work, ignore it and concentrate on your own performance. At some point your co-worker's action will be noticed and dealt with. Focusing on your own work is the best use of your energy.
Q: No one realizes we're completely dependent on just a few people for all operational information. I want to alert our senior management, but don't want to look like I'm jealous of the positions and power held by this small group.
A: The perception of a problem and its messenger depend, in great part, on the message's intent, the messenger's sincerity, and the way the problem is framed.
Rather than mentioning the power or positions of those who control fundamental information, go to your manager with this real concern. Note that if any of these folks leave the organization - for whatever reason - maintaining your market niche and competitiveness would be difficult. Don't exaggerate. If you do, you'll appear to be the problem.
Suggest reasonable, cost-effective alternatives to the current structure.
It may take time, but change will probably occur. Few organizations want to be so dependent upon a handful of employees that their absence will cause the organization to falter or fail.
Camille Wright Miller, an organizational behavior sociologist who works in Lexington, answers questions from our readers about workplace issues. Please send them to her in care of The Roanoke Times, Business News Department, P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke 24010.
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