ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, June 26, 1996 TAG: 9606260015
SECTION: BUSINESS PAGE: B-8 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: marketplace
SOURCE: MEGAN SCHNABEL
Are you a squeaky wheel?
Say there's an error on your monthly bank statement, so you go to the bank's branch on your lunch hour. Only two of the five teller windows are open, and the customer lines are long. Several bank employees are chatting off in a corner, and you can see a vice president shuffling papers in his corner office.
Do you:
* Walk up to one of the closed windows and demand they open it;
* Make yourself comfortable in the VP's office and wait for him to help you; or
* Stand in line and wait your turn, even if it means missing lunch.
Most of us - well-trained by our parents never to make scenes in public - probably would choose to wait in line. But John Bear, author of a new book on successful complaining, says we at least should consider complaining as an option when we're dissatisfied with goods or services.
Bear says the point of his book - "Send This Jerk the Bedbug Letter: How Companies, Politicians and the Mass Media Handle Complaints and How to Be a More Effective Complainer" - isn't to encourage us to declare war every time we get a bowl of soup that's lukewarm instead of hot. "I don't want to be responsible for turning us into a nation of grumpy, complaining people," he insisted in an interview.
But he does want us to realize that we have a right to complain, as long as it's done thoughtfully and intelligently. The Federal Trade Commission has estimated that U.S. consumers are unhappy with 75 million purchases every year, but as few as 4 percent ever complain.
"Bedbug" grew out of Bear's personal consumer-horror stories and his doctoral dissertation; he maintains he's the first person ever to get his Ph.D. by writing about complaining. Bear says he has been complaining since he was 7 years old and refused to paint garbage cans at summer camp.
The title of the book is taken from a consumer legend: A business traveler once found himself on a sleeper train infested with bedbugs. He wrote the president of the railroad and received a profusely apologetic letter from the president, expressing horror and embarrassment and assuring him that it would never happen again. Unfortunately, attached to that letter was the president's note to his secretary - "Send this jerk the bedbug letter."
The book includes directories of national consumer organizations, state consumer protection offices, trade associations and corporate complaint-line phone numbers, plus case studies of complaining methods that have worked for other consumers.
It also offers guidelines you can apply to your own situation to help decide whether complaining is worth your while.
And then there's Chapter 12: "Revenge: When all else fails, there's always this." No book on complaining would be complete, Bear writes, without at least mentioning the R-word. But the chapter cautions: "If you must consider something in this direction, please be gentle. Be creative. ... Just don't do anything with Crazy Glue or fake letterheads." The pranks Bear recounts are nothing if not creative: Planting daffodils by the side of the road to spell out an expletive; releasing moths in a crowded movie theater; hiding chicken parts in a furniture store.
Most of the book is designed for consumers who have gripes about businesses. But Chapter 15, "What companies need to know about complainers," tackles the issue from the other side. A well-thought-out, legitimate complaint can be a real help for a business - it is, Bear says, free market research.
Studies have shown that people who take the time to complain typically are loyal customers; once-in-a-while shoppers are much more likely simply to take their business elsewhere rather than bother complaining. "A satisfied complainer is probably your friend for life," Bear says.
If you can't find the book in stores yet, says Bear, not passing up a chance for a little self promotion, let that be your first attempt at complaining.
"Lesson one: Don't leave the store without somebody getting on the phone and calling the distributor to get the book."
LENGTH: Medium: 82 lines ILLUSTRATION: GRAPHIC: What people complain about. color. KEYWORDS: MGRby CNB