ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Saturday, July 6, 1996 TAG: 9607080007
SECTION: CURRENT PAGE: NRV-4 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
DATELINE: CHRISTIANSBURG
SOURCE: LESLIE HAGER-SMITH SPECIAL TO THE ROANOKE TIMES
Children are often the invisible and powerless parties when a marriage ends up in the local divorce court.
But beginning this year, a local judge will require divorcing couples in Montgomery and Floyd counties who are fighting over the custody of their children to take a seminar on "Children of Divorce."
"I think what's important about this is that it's the first mechanism we've had that will get the parties involved in a divorce to focus on the children and not on the parents," said Circuit Judge Ray W. Grubbs, who presides over divorce cases in the two counties. "So often, emotions are at a peak on both sides of a divorce. I hope this will bring the children back to the forefront."
Grubbs signed an April 24 court order sending parents involved in contested custody cases to the half-day seminar put on by the Mental Health Association of the New River Valley. The judge may also order other divorcing couples to attend when needed, according to Grubbs. The seminar is open to anyone.
Juvenile and Domestic Relations Judge J. Patrick Graybeal will also order participation in the seminar on a case-by-case basis. Graybeal oversees all predivorce disputes, granting temporary custody and support orders.
Last year, 333 divorces were finalized in Montgomery County, and about half of those involved children. Approximately 40 percent of the nation's children live in divorced families.
Many children have to undergo the emotional trauma of divorce on several occasions, as about 85 percent of divorced people remarry within five years, and 60 percent of those marriages also fail.
"There is no other program that we could offer that would have a greater impact on the mental health of adults and children in the New River Valley than this one," according to Amy Forsyth-Stephens, executive director of the area mental health association. "If you look at family trends nationally, you'll understand that children of divorce are an 'at risk' group, and their numbers are growing."
The professional therapists donating their time to offer the Children of Divorce seminar are members of the mental health association.
Dr. Harvey Barker conveys just how seriously the therapists view their mission as he outlines the rules of order for participants. "Our focus is on the children. This is not therapy. There will be no discussion of marriage conflicts ... no 'venting' ... no criticizing."
And if that weren't enough, the men and women are even dismissed separately for coffee breaks.
Louise Sinclair, a counselor and seminar presenter, is quick to acknowledge the difficulty of what divorcing parents are being asked to undertake.
"Money issues, custody, visitation, how to communicate with each other: A divorce stirs up issues that the couple likely had difficulty with before and couldn't deal with then," she says.
However, the therapists do not express judgments about the decisions these parents have made. Their focus is on smoothing the way for the children involved.
"You're not going to kiss me goodnight anymore, are you, Dad?" The question, delivered in this case by a 7-year-old trapped in a custody battle in the movie "Kramer v. Kramer," brings home the childhood fears that often surface in a divorce. This film clip is part of the seminar program for divorcing parents.
Research shows the damage that can result from an acrimonious divorce. Studies indicate that the effects of divorce continue for years. Even five years after the breakup, about one-third of children of divorce are intensely unhappy, angry, dissatisfied with life, moderately to seriously depressed and lonely. Another third report lesser levels of adjustment problems, low self-esteem and anger. Only about a third report a positive adjustment to divorce.
The first mandatory parent education class was established in Wichita, Kan., more than fifteen years ago. Two states, Utah and Connecticut, now require all divorcing parents to attend an education program on the trauma divorce imposes on children. In 1995, the Virginia General Assembly granted courts the authority to order divorcing parties with minor children to attend education seminars and other like programs on the effects of separation or divorce, provided that the fee for participation not exceed $50. The local mental health agency is offering its Children of Divorce Seminar for $35 per person. The fee may be waived at the court's discretion.
"One of the things I'm impressed with is the patchwork of parenting situations that judges are presented with today." There could be aunts and uncles, grandparents or even older siblings involved in custody decisions, according to Paul Barnett, local attorney and Mental Health Association board member. As our concept of family has expanded, so has the number of people who may benefit from parental education seminars.
"The thing we'd like to encourage the most strongly is to have lawyers send in families when they first become aware that a divorce is impending." The earlier, the better, according to Barnett. "The seminar is designed to protect children from the harm a divorce can do them. The earlier in the process that parents have that input, hopefully the better they'll be able to reduce the conflicts."
Children of Divorce will be offered five times this summer, on Saturday mornings and weekday evenings. The seminar explores topics like "Options for Long Distance Time-Sharing" and "Divorce Games Parents Play."
It also deals with how and what parents should tell children about a divorce, and how they can help them deal with separation and loss. The fast-paced curriculum includes lectures, discussions, videos and a parent handbook.
For information, contact The Mental Health Association at 382-5629 or toll-free at 1-800-559-2800.
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