ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, July 8, 1996 TAG: 9607090013
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
I know the heartbreak of getting an L.L. Bean sale catalog and then finding out that you're too immense to charge anything to your credit card.
The other day I called the 800 number to order a pair of those britches that have elastic all around but have loops so you can wear a belt and nobody will know you're elasticized. Unless you run into a really nosy person.
The only size they had left would have fit my grandson Bill.
They didn't have any big enough for my grandson Griff.
It hurt. I wanted those britches bad.
The catalog had a hooded rugby shirt in XXL. The only ones they had left would have fit Frank Sinatra 50 years ago.
I told the guy at L.L. Bean it was nice talking to him. He sounded like a regular-size guy.
I got depressed.
Later in the week - just after I had learned that sensible people don't clean their own decks - things changed. Fate stepped in, as we sometimes said in Radford, and I saw this ad and an 800 number that would allow me to buy an original lump of coal from the Titanic for $29.95. No matter how immense I am.
The room seemed to reel, and I thought I heard exotic music in the background.
Who cares about elastic britches when you can buy a piece of coal from a doomed ship and get a certificate besides?
We're talking brave new world here, pal.
And your piece of coal comes in a "museum-quality" case with a brass plaque.
Talk about prestige. Let's say your neighbor - who thinks you did time in Alcatraz - comes over and BAM! there's your piece of Titanic coal in its "museum-quality" case. Which I guess you could make a lamp out of if you're clever.
That should show everybody that you're not just some stumblebum off the streets.
The word is going to get out, and hundreds of people will come to look at your lump.
They'll say, "Old Bennie's got class."
And they'll say, "Let's go up to Bennie's place and watch his lump of coal from the Titanic and maybe get a beer."
You'll have to start telling them to bring their own refreshments, but don't be cheap and start charging admission.
L.L. Bean was never like that.
With that kind of marketing, it's only a matter of time before we can buy other things in "museum-quality" cases.
In the meantime, old yours truly here still covets that XXL hooded rugby shirt.
LENGTH: Medium: 57 linesby CNB