ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Sunday, July 28, 1996 TAG: 9607270018
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 9 EDITION: METRO
DATELINE: DALLAS
SOURCE: COLLEEN O'CONNOR KNIGHT-RIDDER/TRIBUNE
``Is the black woman worth loving?''
That was the question of the night at the Love Clinic, a monthly meeting held at Jubilee United Methodist Church in suburban Duncanville, Texas.
``We want to hear what a brother has to say to this challenging and perplexing question,'' said the Rev. Sheron Patterson, who created the popular clinics eight months ago. With that, she singled out Craig Thomas, one of the night's panel of relationship experts, and demanded an answer.
Throughout the evening, Patterson had worked the packed pews like a tireless talk-show host, fielding questions and pinpointing panel members.
But unlike talk-show hosts, she always starts off with prayer and Scripture. That Friday, it was the verses from Corinthians about love.
``The black woman is worth loving,'' she said. ``But first she has to know what love is, and has to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. ... He will tell her she is of worth - she's not worth loving unless she has a relationship with Jesus Christ.''
Love Clinics are held every third Friday at Jubilee, a new but fast-growing church. In two years, membership has gone from 50 to 200. The Love Clinics help attract people.
Patterson started the Love Clinics to fill a void she sensed in today's church.
``The black church has done a good job on economic issues and civil rights, but I felt something was missing in the area of relationships,'' she explained. ``As a pastor, I saw a lot of hurting people who hurt even more when pastors glossed over this topic.''
Topics are timely and controversial. The group has talked about the movie ``Waiting to Exhale,'' and whether it helped or hurt male-female relationships.
They've talked about the black man, and whether he's worth loving. On this night, examining the subject of the black woman and whether she's worth loving - the crowd steadfastly eyed panelist Craig Thomas and awaited his answer.
``Is the black woman worth loving?'' he asked. ``Yes. But I've got to qualify that. Yes, if she loves herself, and ONLY if. Men know when women don't love themselves.''
``How?'' Patterson asked.
``They just know.''
``They've got a neon light over their heads?'' she joked.
The women in the room sat completely still, awaiting the answer. Many say they love hearing what men think - straight from the men themselves, not filtered through a female expert on love and relationships. ``It's a sense - well, to men it's a game,'' said Thomas. ``Men prey on women if they allow themselves to be vulnerable. If you're not on guard, there's a high chance you'll get abused in some way, shape or form by some man. Because some women you have fun with, some women you marry.''
``WOOOOOO!''
Patterson pivoted to the audience and swiftly scanned women's faces. From her experience with a singles ministry for women, she believed she knew exactly what they were thinking.
``So what do you do if you're a woman who plays the game because you're hoping to get to the marriage section?'' she asked. ``It's a deal where action speaks louder than words,'' said Thomas.
He hesitated, eyed the audience, looked hard at Patterson. ``I don't know how brutal you want me to be.''
The church broke out in laughter.
Throughout the evening, brutal honesty and humor went hand-in-hand. The issues weren't simple. Some women wanted to know why black men paired off with white women. Some men wanted to know why women flaunt their independence and belittle a man's masculinity. But respect and kindness dominated.
``People might be talking out of pain or anger,'' said the Rev. Jerome McNeil, a family therapist and Dallas-area pastor who also participated in the Love Clinic on ``Waiting to Exhale.''
``Too often when you've been hurt, you might think you're the only one and no one else understands,'' said McNeil. ``But if someone sitting next to you has overcome a traumatic situation, that gives you hope. This gives people the opportunity to work through things in a spiritual arena.''
In May, Patterson received her doctorate of ministry from Southern Methodist University's Perkins School of Theology. The idea for Love Clinics came while she worked on her doctoral thesis, which examined relationships between men and women biblically and historically.
``The African-American community is hurting desperately in the area of relationships,'' she said. ``We're like a house on fire. In my opinion, there's a full-scale war between men and women.''
Relationships have long held the attention of Patterson, a wife and mother in her late 30s. When she was senior pastor at Crest-Moore-King United Methodist Church, she started a monthly singles workshop for women. She also wrote two books, ``365 Meditations for Mothers of Young Children'' and ``Ministry to Black Single Adults.''
``I had a strong mother and father who got along, and I've been blessed to marry someone who is an equal partner,'' said Patterson.
``It's how everyone should be and has the potential to be. But so many people are accustomed to being mistreated, they think it's normal. My mission is to empower people to live full and happy lives, and to develop an intolerance for abusive relationships.''
Striding the aisles at the Love Clinic that Friday, she urged the audience to say whatever comes to mind. ``I won't hold it against you - your pastor is not here,'' she joked.
With her chartreuse pantsuit and chic hairstyle, she doesn't appear bound by tradition. As the first African-American woman to be ordained in the United Methodist Church in the North Texas area, she's used to the forefront. In fact, she relishes it.
``Personally, I like being cutting-edge,'' she said.
Sometimes she emphasizes it. Introducing a recent session, she threw open her arms and said: ``Welcome to Love Clinic Number Seven, going where no church has ever gone before, in the name of Jesus Christ.''
She refers to the no-holds-barred discussions of issues such as sex and intimacy. It's a relatively new approach in the church, said McNeil. ``Sexuality and spirituality are not that far apart, not at all. But often myths circulate in the church, and people in church feed into that, saying, `Oh, we can't talk about those issues.' But where else can you talk about them?''
Andrea Allen, a 36-year-old single working mother with two daughters, was a panel member for a Love Clinic called ``Are There Any Good Ones Left?''
What she likes most about the Love Clinics, she said, ``is the opportunity to hear from the mouth of a man what he's thinking and feeling, rather than having it interpreted by a woman. It gives more credibility to what's being said. Some men in the audience have been very vocal, which is very, very good.''
It wasn't always like that, particularly at the first Love Clinic, which was about infidelity.
``The men were just silent, like someone taped their mouths,'' said Patterson. ``I was saddened that they didn't talk, but the next day one of the men came up to me. He said, `I didn't want to come, my wife made me come, but it changed our relationship. I learned, and I listened.'''
At the recent Love Clinic on black men, the microphone went from woman to woman in the audience, each voicing various concerns.
``Some brothers in the house got to have a word!'' encouraged Patterson.
A tall man in the back pew stood up and reached for the microphone.
``So often black women don't know how to find love available to them,'' he said. ``To men it's a game, and women are not equipped to play the game. Parents need to teach their daughters ...''
A chorus of women began to shout: ``Sons, too! SONS need to be taught.''
He remained insistent that parents need to coach their daughters on the game, because sons already know the rules. Meanwhile, Patterson passed the microphone to another man.
``There's nothing more precious than black women,'' he said.
``Talk, brother!'' someone shouted.
``You can pray for a man,'' the speaker continued, ``but think before you speak. Don't start telling him how independent you are, that you don't need a man. Because we listen to that. Men need to be needed, just like everyone else. So shut up sometimes - just SHUT UP!''
Once again, the church dissolved in laughter.
``And another thing. Don't worry about material things, worry about the heart. If a brother's out there washing his Pinto to take you out, then get in that Pinto and ride!''
After the laughter ebbed, Patterson said: ``I love it when the men speak.''
The evening ended with an altar call, and a huge circle of men and women prayed for healing in hearts and relationships. In the midst stood Patterson, the power of her prayer energizing the circle of bowed heads and clasped hands. In such moments - even if the evening ends without consensus - she's in her glory.
As she likes to say: ``Some issues are so broad-based and deep there is no one solution. But the message is that God cares and the church cares.
``We do more for you than sell chicken dinners and pass the plate.''
LENGTH: Long : 160 lines ILLUSTRATION: PHOTO: The Rev. Sheron Patterson founded the Love Clinic toby CNBfocus on relationships between black men and women.