ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, August 14, 1996 TAG: 9608140073
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
I'll have to say no to having my handwriting analyzed for nine bucks, plus two more for postage.
I found out about this astounding offer by reading an advertisement when I should have been refilling the bird feeder.
It isn't the money. It's just that I don't want my handwriting and personality analyzed at my age. Anyway, nobody has been able to read anything I write for the past 40 years.
I ruined my writing by scribbling down notes at events or incidents that seemed important at the time.
I now block print anything I want anybody to read, such as WATCH OUT - WET PAINT ON DOOR.
I guess my handwriting was at its best when I wrote home after I was drafted in 1945:
"Dear folks,
"I'm here at Fort George G. Meade with a lot of other people who got drafted after the war was over. I look pretty bad in a uniform, which I think I have to wear when I do something called `kitchen police.' I hope I don't have to arrest anybody. Kiss my dog Sport for me.
"Love, Junior"
You couldn't read the above poignant, intelligent, warm, talented and precise example of the use of the language if I scrawled it out today.
Sometimes, when I have to sign for things - such as credit card purchases - people look at my signature and get a little sick. It's truly not a nice thing to look at.
I wonder if the analyst could tell from a printed version of a writing sample that I injured my nerves permanently in grammar school because I couldn't make a capital "S" the way the teacher wanted it.
Never was able to. Even now my capital "S" looks like a skinny capital "O" with a funny loop on top.
Anyway, I don't need anybody fooling around with my personality. But if some of you want this guy prying into your inner selves all you need are 11 bucks and the ability to write the following:
"I'm curious and want to find out about my personality through an analysis of my handwriting."
I already know that I'm the soul of wit and a tastefully modest person despite my enormous talents in many fields of endeavor. And that I have grown old gracefully and still have an athlete's bearing about me - despite the fact that my handwriting and knees are shot.
All of you who want to send in a writing sample, go ahead. Just don't come whining to me when you realize you spent 11 bucks to find out you have the personality of a serial killer.
LENGTH: Medium: 55 linesby CNB