ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Friday, August 16, 1996 TAG: 9608160042
SECTION: CURRENT PAGE: NRV-2 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
TYPE: COMMENTARY
SOURCE: RAY COX
The new school year fast approaches and no formal steps have been taken to welcome the parties who will be coming from afar to join with the New River Valley schools in sporting fellowship.
Even though the local schools have long been known for the particularly fine quality of their young ladies and gentlemen, proper etiquette has not been observed in this case.
Such is regrettable.
All is not lost, though. There is still time for the New River Valley schools to issue a welcome to members of the Three Rivers and Mountain Empire districts as well as the Blue Ridge District, which will include Blacksburg and Christiansburg. One modest proposal for such a neighborly greeting could go something like this:
"A hearty hello and a warm New River Valley greeting to each and every one of you, even Pocahontas High, where apparently the history and geography departments require major overhaul.
"I mean, what the heck is going on out there in that suburb of West Virginia? According to the Virginia history that was taught to us here in the good old New River Valley, Pocahontas saved this captain, John Smith was his name, from having his hair permed with a stone club. Only thing was, she did the heroine act somewhere over there in Eastern Virginia. It was near Busch Gardens, the way I understand it, not in a coal mine. I've got news for you: Pocahontas never went anywhere near a coal mine. Her tribe wanted no part of any digging that didn't involve a harvested edible at the bottom of the hole.
"And welcome to you sir, you Glenvar Highlander. Nice knees, pal. How long your mommy been making you wear that dress? And that lovely plaid. My, does she have good taste. It ought to look nice with grass stain all over it after we drop kick you through the nearest goal post.
"And a tip of the hat to you, you Northside Viking. Of course, you can't tip your hat in return, even if you had been taught that is the proper thing to do. Those horns coming out of your chapeau might gore you in a vital area and then where'd you be?
"A lovely morning it is, Mr. Lord Bottle Top Cavalier. Excuse me? That's Botetourt, you say? Who taught you comedians how to spell? You ought to have had plenty of time to study. All you have to do out there in that school district is pick apples. Things are so dull out there that even Don Meredith, your former basketball coach, had to wake somebody up to get a laugh out of one of his five zillion jokes. The retired basketball coach was always trying to gain converts to his sport in those backwards parts, but he never could get them to understand the rules of the game. What can you do with folks who think dribble is something you do when the dip in your lip overflows.
"A pleasant day to you, Mr. Salem Spartan. Sure, you can examine any of the cleats we wear before any football game. We'll be happy to provide a ruler as long as you can find somebody who knows how to read it.
"Welcome to the New River Valley end of the Blue Ridge District, Mr. Alleghany Mountaineer. Hey, I know that the fur of that deceased animal in that Davy Crockett cap is considered high fashion for headgear in your backwoodsy part of the world. Here, we call it roadkill.
"Hello, Mr. William Byrd Terrier. Couldn't you folks have come up with a more handsome dog for a mascot? I mean, looks aren't everything, or so you've been saying for years. Maybe that explains the color coordination on the paint scheme in your gymnasium.
"Top of the morning to you, Mr. Rockbridge Wildcat. That name is a hoot. The last time anybody went anywhere near wild in Lexington was when they made them let girls in VMI. Which makes you wonder what's up at VMI. Most places, the dudes will do just about anything to get strange women on campus.
"Welcome one, welcome all to the lovely New River Valley, where we never fail to give a warm greeting to strangers or to mind our manners.''
LENGTH: Medium: 71 linesby CNB