ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Saturday, August 24, 1996 TAG: 9608260008
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A-7 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: DAVID F. POHLIG
ELLEN GOODMAN'S ``modest'' proposal (Aug. 13 column, ``Let's just repeal childhood'') to repeal childhood in the wake of abandoning welfare is good. I like it. As a father who has worked hard to raise and support five of these anachronistic burdens, I only regret that the idea has come a little too late for me.
I doubt that Goodman, in her infinite wisdom, can scarcely fathom the wondrous sense of happiness her idea elicited in me, and will certainly generate in the masses when we implement it. Imagine: No more putting up with fussy children. A husband and wife could have a peaceful supper, then a relaxing walk in the cool of the evening without a few brats tugging on their arms.
The more I think about it, the more giddy I become. Since we have decided to repeal welfare and no longer take care of children, we may as well do away with them altogether.
But there will certainly be some do-good religious types who want to have some children around - you know, to replenish the species, tuck into bed at night, strange things like that. So with humility, I offer my own modest proposal. It not only will eliminate poor children, but will go one step further and ensure prosperity of all Americans without the bother of work.
Starting Jan. 1, 1997, each female baby born in America will have an operation tying off her fallopian tubes, thus rendering her sterile. This will have two benefits:
* Since there is no chance of becoming pregnant, there will be no need for abortions. This will please those militant right-to-lifers.
* Since there will be no more poor children, welfare costs will drop dramatically, just as Goodman predicts.
The added benefit of no pregnancy is that it eliminates the need for behaving in a moral manner. I mean, with the threat of getting pregnant gone, it won't matter who has sex with whom. This will please those who liked having sex, but never thought of getting married. They will be able to enjoy their ``relationships'' without fear. Maybe the communes of the '60s will make a comeback. Come to think of it, this proposal might also do away with most marriages. Marriage certainly appears to be somewhat anachronistic, too.
But what about prosperity without work? Ah, that's remarkably simple. It all hinges on those pesky religious types. Remember, the ones who would probably still want a child or two? For a tax of $30,000, the government will permit the fallopian tubes to be untied, permitting a female to become pregnant. The money collected would pay all Americans who just didn't care to work. Don't worry about the price being too high. Those do-good types will pay it.
But here is the catch: Only wealthy couples who have been married at least 10 years would be allowed to actually have children. And only if they can show that they have been attending church regularly, have a stable marriage, and the mother stays at home and bakes cookies (sorry, Hillary). Since studies show that most crime is committed by males coming from single-parent families, this will make a sizable dent in crime. That will please everyone.
Wait, you say. That program wouldn't generate enough money to pay for all Americans who didn't want to work. I've thought of that, too, and have the perfect solution.
Bill Gates has a lot of money. In fact, he is the richest man in America, and, some say, the world. He has billions, and with Windows 95 selling like hotcakes, he will soon be even richer. We'll just ``appropriate'' everything he makes over $200,000 per year. And we'll do the same for everyone else who makes more than $200,000. That will please the folks who just can't stand anyone who is rich.
Naturally, with people having to pay handsomely to have children, there will be fewer people in America. This will be a huge benefit since there will be less competition for jobs. Since technology has made fewer workers necessary, it will probably work out just about right.
Of course, there might not be enough babies from time to time, but I have thought that issue through as well. The government, in its infinite wisdom, will carefully monitor the population of children and simply make more when needed. With advances in medical science, we can now combine sperm and egg in the petri dish. And through careful experimentation, freezing of sperm and eggs, and by cloning, we can produce just the drone we want. Do we need more bus drivers? Coming up. How about carpenters? Just tell us how many.
The fertilized eggs will then be implanted into females carefully bred for this purpose. These additional children will be raised completely by the state-village, which will please you-know-who. Since we know their eventual occupation, we can forgo teaching them anything that would be extraneous, saving taxpayers' money. The more I look into this, the better it sounds.
Me? Since my wife and I have already had our children, I am looking forward to relaxing and being paid for not working. Goodman was on to something; she just didn't go quite far enough.
David F. Pohlig of Draper is a programmer-analyst at Radford Army Ammunition Plant.
LENGTH: Medium: 90 linesby CNB