ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, August 26, 1996 TAG: 9608270013
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
In our I-Just-Wish-They'd-Leave-Us-Alone Department this morning we find the U.S. Department of Agriculture telling us that your average Thanksgiving turkey and/or stuffing can kill you.
That is: Make sure your turkey and your stuffing are both done or you and various members of your family may die on or about Dec. 5.
The experts say turkeys aren't what they used to be and that the modern turkey cooks a lot quicker than the ones that were around when Miles Standish and John Alden were acting goofy about Priscilla Mullens.
This change in the turkey - long the symbol of plenty and good will in this country - seems to have something to do with breeding techniques I'd rather not know about.
Anyway, the modern turkey cooks faster and the stuffing, being inside, sometimes isn't fully cooked, and the vilest of bacteria grow and pretty soon you're dead.
Obviously, the Pilgrims didn't have the guidance of the Agriculture Department or a meat thermometer when they cooked their turkeys. Yet as far as I know, not a single Indian or Pilgrim died of food poisoning after the First Thanksgiving.
I further suppose that Mrs. Bob Cratchit, with no help from the government, was able to safely cook that really big turkey Ebenezer Scrooge sent 'round on Christmas Day.
At least we know the Cratchits, including Tiny Tim, went on to a better lifestyle after Bob started getting raises, and there's no evidence they were ever victims of salmonella.
And you will recall that the Cratchit turkey had been hanging around, unrefrigerated, in a butcher's shop before Scrooge bought it.
I dunno. Makes you worry about microwaving the turkey bacon, which tastes so bland it couldn't hurt you.
It makes you worry about the future of pumpkin pie, which has long stood for freedom and the American way of life. Certainly, pumpkin pie isn't a killer, but you never know about the government.
I can remember when sausage gravy and biscuits had good names - symbols of a hearty breakfast in a country built by broad-shouldered men and buxom women who knew how to cook.
Mention the merits of sausage gravy and biscuits around most people these days, and you're put down a moron who will be dead soon from clogged blood vessels.
I hate to say this, but the government may decide that sweet pickles and watermelons are cold-blooded killers.
LENGTH: Medium: 53 linesby CNB