ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, August 28, 1996 TAG: 9608280005
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: DEBRA WARNER ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER
The mothers and fathers furrowed their brows and scribbled notes with all the furious intensity of intern brain surgeons in neurology class.
Time out. Check.
No yelling. Check.
Consistent bedtimes. Got it.
Gazing at the 100 tired but eager parents assembled at a recent children's discipline class, clinical psychologist Sue A. Beck wasn't surprised that for the second time in three months, the evening seminar was packed.
Her class, ``Discipline A Misunderstood Parenting Skill,'' is the most popular offering at Children's Hospital of Orange County, Calif.
``We've lost our multigenerational home and connections,'' Beck said. ``Young families don't have anyone to ask these questions anymore. Grandparents used to be available to talk about what was normal, what worked.''
After the session, the parents, mostly of toddlers, quizzed Beck about the problems they want to end. Pint-size wise guys who won't go to bed. Hitting. Throwing. Head butting.
``I've tried time-out, spanking. Nothing seems to work with him,'' lamented Cyndi Dalhover, mother of head-butter Zachary, almost 3.
Parents who flocked to the seminar said they're seeking a dose of common sense because their own quest for answers has often sent them into information-overload shock.
Often-contradictory discipline advice emanates everywhere, from radio shows to Internet chat stations. At bookstores, child-rearing sections groan with new titles promising discipline relief, from ``8 Weeks to a Well-Behaved Child'' to ``1-2-3 Magic, Training Your Children to Do What You Want.''
Parents yearn to find the right mix of firm guidance and freedom, even as the S-word - to spank or not to spank - scrambles the discipline puzzle even more.
Experts' advice often conflicts. At one end, author and radio commentator Dr. James Dobson advises in ``The Strong-Willed Child'' that spankings can be effective starting at age 15 months. He even advises using a small switch or belt, rather than the hand, since the hand should be seen ``as an object of love, rather than an instrument of punishment.''
At the other extreme, behaviorists such as British author and TV host Penelope Leach, condemn spanking. Leach publicly scolded Britain's Prince Charles last year when he suggested a smack is not a bad thing.
Beck said she's in the middle on the debate. She tries to steer clear of general answers on sensitive issues that can conflict with a family's religious or cultural beliefs. Parents can find many answers by learning a little child psychology and hearing tips that other parents have found effective, she said.''
We have to look at the basic raw tools that each parent brings to the parenting experience and build on that,'' Beck said.
For mother Terri Simonton, successful discipline means getting the word through to Kylee, 31/2, that whenever Mom says ``Stop that,'' it means, STOP! Please?
Instead, the toddler smiles sweetly as she continues to whip sand out of the sandbox, or laundry onto the floor.
"I say, `Please don't do that. Mommy doesn't want you to do that,''' Simonton told Beck. ``She looks at me and keeps doing it. It's like, I want to shake her.''
Simonton came to the seminar seeking an alternative to physical punishments.
``I don't want to inflict violence on her at all, slapping her or even slapping her little hand. I don't want any of that; that's showing her a wrong example,'' Simonton said. ``When I was small, my mom would give me a pat on the rear, but nowadays, you just don't know.''
Beck suggested this trick.
``First, get her attention. If she's standing, have her sit. If she's sitting, have her stand. You don't say `Stop that!' You say, `Come here,' and then give her something else to do.'' Otherwise mom and daughter are locked in a fruitless power play.
Julie Clover, mother of 5-year-old Matthew, also came to hear ideas other than spanking.
``He'll stomp down the hall, slam the door, throw his things across the room - stuff that he's never done before - and I don't know how to deal with it."
She has since tried Beck's technique of having Matthew draw furiously on a notebook ``mad pad.'' He scribbles until he calms down, then he wads up the paper and throws it out.
``There has to be a time limit on upset, so children learn not to build it and make it last,'' Beck said.
Spanking has its limited place but isn't the be-all of discipline, Beck said.
``When a child runs into the street, as a reflex, we snatch them, swat them. That's appropriate for the toddler that you're having difficulty relating to and you want to get his undivided very rapid attention.
``But you still have to talk to your children, and so many times, spanking short circuits talking. You get spanked, and it's over. It does not deter future misbehavior if the child never learns what he should `do.'''
Time-out - the solution many parents use - doesn't always work the way parents think, she said. It can backfire if a parent blows up, hollers ``Time out, young lady!'' and orders the child to her room, because kids sometimes get a kick out of seeing a parent get mad.
Time-out can work if the child is told to go to her room and come out when she's ready to talk about what happened.
``The time-out is complete when the child tells you what was wrong and what he could have done instead,'' Beck said.
Time-outs are for children 3 and older, with the time slated at 1 minute for each year. If a child won't sit in a chair or quietly in his room, the parent needs to teach the child to sit, even if it means holding hands on the child's shoulders. No talking or arguing in the meanwhile.
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