ROANOKE TIMES 
                      Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times

DATE: Wednesday, August 28, 1996             TAG: 9608280012
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1    EDITION: METRO 
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE

THE DRIVER'S PATIENCE IS OFF THE CHART

"Do you know what would happen in this country if Ross Perot became president?" I asked the greatest station wagon driver of them all, who has been sick and tired of politics for 40 years.

"We'd all have to talk like Texas Rangers and frame everything we say as a question," the driver said.

"No, my little wildflower," I said. "This is America. You didn't have to start talking sincerely, as though you were comforting an aged aunt before gallbladder surgery, after Bill Clinton was elected, did you?"

"If you'll excuse me," the driver said, "I want to check out my new American Heart Association cookbook."

"Don't get into the Martha Stewart mode with me, honey," I said. "We're discussing serious things here."

"Don't call me honey, you slobbering male fascist chauvinist hog," the driver said. "Otherwise, I'm dying, as you can see, to know what will happen if Perot is elected."

"OK," I said. "Having been for many years an observer at many seats of government and having watched with a keen eye the various arenas of American politics, I must tell you that I am among the most advanced political thinkers on this street.

"I've seen deep implications in the fact that President Clinton has lost weight. Implications that no analyst has mentioned yet."

"You and Walter Cronkite," the driver said.

"I'm certainly not supporting anybody for president," I said. "But I tell you now that the election of Perot would open new economic horizons in this country."

"This pasta primavera recipe sounds pretty good to me," the driver said.

"You can ignore me if you want to," I said, "but I know what I'm talking about here."

"All right, all right," the driver said. "What are you talking about?"

"Charts," I said. "There'll be an explosion in the chart-making industry. Everybody knows that Perot never goes anywhere without lots of bar charts. They're like security blankets.

"Everybody in the White House will have to know and love bar charts. All government agencies will be clamoring for more and more bar charts. This will generate a need for trillions of bar charts. And that's not counting pie charts or graphs."

"Whatever," the driver said.

"All right," I said, "be a smarty, missy. Just for that I won't tell you what Clinton's weight loss means to the nation."

"Don't call me missy," The driver said.

LENGTH: Medium:   54 lines