ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, October 2, 1996 TAG: 9610020016
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
This sitcom plot will keep your remote on pause
One of the things the world doesn't need right now is another television situation comedy.
I never said anything about being my brother's or sister's keeper, however, and I've come up with a show that'll put Bill Cosby off the air.
Sure, I wake in the night and get all disgusted with myself, but this morning I announce, "The Instructors," starring Martha Stewart and Bob Vila.
Martha and Bob are these boring married people who don't seem to have a natural laugh in their bodies. But just wait.
They have a lot in common. They both wear khaki britches a lot and think they are pretty darned smart.
I don't want to give it all away, but I don't want anybody quitting right here and going over to ``Gil Thorpe,'' so I'll just give you a brief sample.
Bob is showing Rufus, his dumb next-door neighbor, this marvelous wrench, and they have this hilarious dialogue about how regular wrenches mess up nuts and hurt your knuckles.
Soon, Bob - wearing a nice down vest - is showing Rufus how to install a bathroom in the basement. They'll get off some really good lines while talking about commode seal installation.
Bob, incidentally, won't use a single tool during this series or in syndication. He just shows people how to do things.
Next door, Martha is showing Renee, Rufus' wife, who likes to wear vinyl miniskirts and dance on tables, how to make a souffle that will make Rufus love her again.
Can you imagine the great gags a clever person like me can write about these two different types talking souffle?
I don't want to reveal a lot more, but you can look forward to a zany scene in which Renee dances on the washing machine and is ignored by Rufus and Bob who are putting a new drain in the basement floor.
That is, Rufus is doing the actual work and is too busy to stop and eat the souffle.
After the souffle is ruined, Bob goes home and finds Martha in her potting shed.
In dialogue that will have your Aunt Zelda slapping her knee, Martha says that Bob stays away from home too much showing people how to knock out walls.
Bob says that maybe he'd be home more if she didn't wear khakis britches so much and spend so much time in the potting shed.
Martha whips up a really good rhubarb pie and they make up.
It would be great to have Martha put on a vinyl miniskirt, but nobody who knows her would believe that.
LENGTH: Medium: 54 linesby CNB