ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, October 14, 1996 TAG: 9610160001
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
The people who invented the new female GI Joe doll say she won't become another Barbie. Yeah. Sure.
The Associated Press quoted Holly Ingram of the Hasbro toy people as follows: "I definitely think people are going to try to compare the GI Joe helicopter pilot to Barbie. But we are not marketing it as a fashion doll - with interchangeable outfits and things like that."
Sure. This doll is going to stay regular Army and be content to wear GI shoes and underwear and run around the post with a sidearm around her 19-inch waist.
I know Barbie too well to believe that.
Let's say the pilot goes on furlough and is on a plane that includes Barbie in one of her stunning flight attendant outfits. They hit it off, and Barbie asks the pilot to stay over with her for a few days.
By the time the chopper pilot gets a load of Barbie's pad and wardrobe and lifestyle, she won't think she's found a home in the Army anymore.
When Barbie puts on her Scarlett O'Hara dress - the one made from Tara's curtains - our woman is hooked on being a man-eating clothes horse.
She - let's call her Antigone - no longer wants to be all that she can be in the Army. She wants a big wardrobe with maybe 12 pairs of stiletto heels.
When Ken, who dodged the draft years ago, comes by she sees how Barbie belittles him, and she wants a man she can abuse, too.
So when the time comes to re-up, she hears a song from the past: "Sign up, boys/ When you get your fill/ You can go to school/ On the GI Bill."
She musters out and uses her education allowance to go to medical school - Barbie having by this time changed into a gold-digging neurosurgeon.
I know all of this isn't going to please the Hasbro people, but I suggest they get somebody in who knows more about wardrobe than a supply sergeant. This girl is going to want to dress Barbie right into the ground.
They'll also have to invent a new male doll for Antigone to kick around. The current GI Joe doll is not wimpish enough.
Antigone will become a prominent allergist, and the Hasbro people are going to have to fork out big money for a sports convertible with a fantastic stereo.
While she's waiting for a man of her own to pick on, she and Barbie do lunch a lot, and Barbie sometimes sends Ken over as an abuse substitute.
Ken wants to join the Army to get rid of both of them, but he's too old now.
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