ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Tuesday, October 15, 1996 TAG: 9610150062
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Beth Macy
SOURCE: BETH MACY
Here is an issue as regionally divisive as biscuits vs. whole-wheat toast.
As grits vs. Cream of Wheat.
As Bill Clinton vs. Bob Dole - as in, which one of the candidates can you picture eating chitterlings, Bill Clinton or Bob Dole?
But we are not strictly talking North vs. South here, and we are not just talking about food - although a romantic dinner for two would make a suitable gift. Not to mention a new dress, a gorgeous piece of jewelry (see page 65, The Metropolitan Museum of Art holiday catalog), or - if pressed for time - some fall flowers from the Roanoke City Market (I prefer asters to mums).
SWEETEST DAY DOES NOT EXIST!
That would be Lame Excuse No.1, and that would be my husband speaking. He would be addressing the issue of my favorite holiday, which is coming up Saturday.
And he would be continuing his seven-year tradition of dismissing, ignoring and mocking the very essence of what this holiday promotes: Me, his sweetest.
To his credit, Sweetest Day is not widely celebrated in the South the way it is in my home state of Ohio. A random check with Roanoke flower shops, candy stores and card retailers proved that few Sweetest Day gifts are exchanged.
Or, in the words of Lee Schoem, a sales clerk with George's Affair With Flowers: ``Sweetest Day? You've got to be kidding!''
My Mom, also an Ohioan, likes to fan the flame of marital discontent every year by sending ads from her local newspaper offering Sweetest Day specials. ``Tom is lucky this year,'' she wrote next to a recent ``MAKE RESERVATIONS NOW FOR SWEETEST DAY!'' clipping.
On Oct. 19, she wrote, ``You will be [visiting] back home where we civilized people celebrate one of the most important days of the year. Your mother will buy you a present - because SHE loves you.''
BUT I DON'T REMEMBER IT BEING CELEBRATED IN INDIANA, WHICH IS ONLY ONE STATE AWAY.
That would be Lame Excuse No.2, to which I respond: That's because you never had any girlfriends when you lived in Indiana.
And no wonder.
Lame Excuse No.3 is something you hear not just in October. I've heard it said on the eve of both Valentine's Day and Mother's Day, and that is the age-old:
BUT IT'S A HALLMARK HOLIDAY!
I'll let Nancy Altice, manager of Pat's Hallmark, handle this one: ``Sweetest Day began nearly 70 years ago, in Ohio, when Herbert Birch Kingston, a Cleveland candy company employee, began distributing candy to the sick, the shut-in, the neglected and the orphaned - to let them know they were not forgotten,'' she says, reading from an official Hallmark press release.
She adds, however, that none of the 102 Sweetest Day card designs relate to people who are sick. Just lovesick.
``And no, it's not a Hallmark holiday,'' Altice says. ``Everybody else starts these things. Hallmark just gets in on it.''
Incidentally, on the Hallmark scale of importance (judging by the number of designs created), Sweetest Day outranks both Bosses Day (brown-noses unite!) and Grandparents Day, which brings me to Lame Excuse No.4:
``BUT IT'S NOT A REAL HOLIDAY, IT'S LIKE GRANDPARENTS DAY. I MEAN, THEY ALREADY GET MOTHER'S DAY AND FATHER'S DAY!''
Because, theoretically, the Sweetest in your life already has Valentine's Day, this last excuse momentarily stumped me.
A true expert needed to be consulted. Someone who can quote Sigmund Freud, Wendell Berry and Robert Bly - in the same breath.
I found my quote in Roanoke therapist Ted Petrocci, who does couples counseling. He said: ``I think Sweetest Day can enhance a marriage. ... Was that how you wanted me to say it?''
Freud, who liked to quote Sir Walter Raleigh as saying: ``A woman is just a woman, but a cigar is a good smoke,'' would not have celebrated Sweetest Day, Petrocci theorizes.
But then Freud was married. Several times.
Poet Wendell Berry probably would have bought his wife Sweetest Day flowers. His poem, ``A Country of Marriage,'' emphasizes how important rituals and traditions are in a relationship.
In all seriousness, Petrocci says, holidays like Sweetest Day ``give a relationship balance. They're reminders, times for renewal, an opportunity for reflection. Healthy relationships have rituals.''
In other words, it doesn't matter if Sweetest Day isn't real. Only if your wife believes it is.
``By the way, you don't wanna read anything by D.H. Lawrence,'' who was not a Sensitive New Age Guy, Petrocci says. ``You're better off buying `Bridges of Madison County.' You'll get more mileage out of it - and probably more sex, too,'' he advises.
Asked if he plans to buy his wife of 22 years a Sweetest Day card, Petrocci said, ``I would get her one ...
``If I knew where to find one ...
``If such a holiday really existed.''
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