ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, October 16, 1996 TAG: 9610160012
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A-9 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: A.W. HAUSLOHNER
SO THEY'RE having all this trouble in California with people shooting out windows on the highways. And you thought we didn't have enough to do.
Here's California, cultural capital of the United States, home of the movie industry, the television industry and O.J. Simpson; cradle of rollerblading; mother of Microsoft; and inventor of the Chia pet - and the best they can do is go around shooting out windows.
Next thing you know, they'll all trade in their BMWs for Chevy half-ton pickups with gun racks in the back glass and Confederate flag license plates.
Just goes to show you that California isn't the cultural leader we all thought. Southerners have known for years about the entertainment value of shooting out windows, although we - fortunately, because of our deep and abiding history - have a plenitude of deserted old houses to choose from. (Which is why our felony laws specify the charge as ``shooting into an occupied dwelling,'' to differentiate the crime from passing entertainment.)
If there's not an old house handy, there's always a Jim Beam or Seagram's bottle or so. Certainly we would never stoop to using a moving target like a Mercedes.
If those Californians would just come East for a little while, we could teach them a few things that would knock their Spandex off. For example, we could show them that if you've already shot all the windows out of your favorite old house and blasted all the Beam bottles and don't really want to use the current one as a target because it's still got a few good gulps in it, you can always fire away at your nearest ``deer crossing'' sign.
Any yellow caution sign will, in fact, do, but most marksmen prefer the relatively rare ``deer crossing'' sign because it is more sportsmanlike than the run-of-the-mill ``curves ahead'' sign - and more challenging to hunt.
We could teach those Californians that sprouts are things you put in the garden in order to can beans later in the summer - and that you always cook your vegetables until they turn a different color from the color they were when you started. Everyone knows that underdone food can lead to salmonella poisoning, and doesn't that happen in California?
And we could show them a new way to keep fit with high-impact aerobic wood-splitting. Good for your heart and lungs - just make sure your health insurance is paid up. (The Powder Puff Logging School of Axcersize practices full affirmative action and is open to all students regardless of age or gender.)
We could show them how to play volleyball in a gym, and find out what happened to the California Raisins and where those elementary-school heart-throbs are today. You gotta figure hearing it through the grapevine isn't good enough in this day of cell phones and e-mail. The Raisins are probably in some retirement home for overripe fruit, awaiting shipment to the Kellogg's death-camps in Battle Creek, Mich.
Let's face it. California is where it was at. But we are the church of what's happening now. We had three parades last week. We know how to take something simple like fire prevention and make an Event out of it. Picture this: gavel-to-gavel full-color cable TV coverage of Fire Prevention Week activities co-hosted by Smokey Bear and Sparky the Fire Dog. Who needs the Academy Awards?
Good grief. Saturday, we were racing privies down Main Street in Independence. Tell me we're not on the cutting edge of culture. Shooting out windows and caution signs could become an endangered sport - except in that cultural backwater, California.
A.W. Hauslohner is editor of The Gazette in Galax. She lives in Grayson County.
LENGTH: Medium: 68 linesby CNB