ROANOKE TIMES 
                      Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times

DATE: Monday, October 21, 1996               TAG: 9610230009
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1    EDITION: METRO 
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE

IT'S TIME TO GET HOT, BOTHERED OVER FURNACE

I'm certainly not proud to report that I've started the furnace-listening season early this year.

My listening usually starts after Christmas when I'm depressed because the holidays are over and I'm nearly crazy with anxiety because I know the bills are in the mail.

I don't know why I should be depressed. Fall is my favorite time of the year and I'm only moderately worried about the water bill. Yet, I hear every move that sucker in the basement makes.

As many of you know, I don't fool around when it comes to listening to a furnace. Anybody's furnace.

Actually, I'm expected to be named Furnace Listener of the Year by this new club I'm forming.

I'm trying to think up my 800 number now. The entrance fee is $45 - which is, oddly enough, the amount of my monthly budget payment for No. 2 oil. There are no dues, but you'd be expected to kick in if, say, a zone valve broke.

We'll meet and talk about furnace noises we have known and how this obsession has nearly ruined our lives.

Members may be required to stand up and say something like: "Hi. I'm Thurman and I listen to furnaces."

This is a good year to join. I'm hearing from some very nervous people who have started listening early, too.

This is not surprising when you consider we live in a time in which Roseanne spends a lot of money on cosmetic surgery and ends up looking like a very pretty offensive guard for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

And Madonna writes a diary in which she describes the way in which her daughter's fetus danced. And Sonny Bono is a member of Congress.

I wish we could return to a simpler time when Madonna was known mainly for showing her navel; or to a time before she had a navel.

It's a wonder we aren't hearing furnace noises that aren't there.

Our club sessions will stress positive things about American life.

Think about it. There are lots of reasons to be optimistic about the future.

Newt Gingrich is no longer on television every 12 minutes and there are people in this country who have put Marcia Clark and Lance Ito out of their minds forever. Not to mention F. Lee Bailey.

It's true that Mark Fuhrman, the world's most famous forgetful ex-detective, has a book coming out. But we're making progress toward a better tomorrow for all of us.

Oh, and please indicate on your club application whether you're an oil or gas person.

LENGTH: Medium:   54 lines