ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, November 13, 1996 TAG: 9611130031
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
Veterans Day has barely gone by, and already many Americans are half-insane trying to figure out what various persons - including friends, relatives and prospective pallbearers - want for Christmas.
I personally would like the video in which what appears to be a very large deer is on it hind legs duking it out with what appears to be a hunter.
When I was a boy, people in the movies didn't have these gift-giving problems and neither did real people because they didn't have any money to buy presents with.
Anyway, in the movies, Shirley Temple - her dimples running out of control - might give her Aunt Dora a lock of hair in a box with a lovely ribbon on it, and Aunt Dora would be moved to tears.
You do that today and your Aunt Dora corners your mother between the vegetable dip and countertop bar in the kitchen on New Year's Eve and wants to know if your elevator is stuck between floors.
And so we play this dangerous game that often ends in disaster on Christmas morning.
You ask your helpmate what she wants for Christmas and she smiles sadly and says she doesn't want anything of a material nature. But she hopes you will stay on the low-fat diet and watch your mouth - especially when Aunt Dora is around.
So you go out and buy her this gold chain that has a clasp on it your average brain surgeon couldn't work and even if she could get it around her neck, it would be too tight.
I used to buy chairs for the greatest station wagon driver of them all. She loves chairs, but I had to stop. We've been through 43 Christmases together so far, and we'd be more than slightly over-chaired by now.
One year, I got a little crazy and thought about having a sedan chair made for her.
I'd like to have a sedan chair, too, except I couldn't afford to pay people to carry it, and I suspect such people are hard to find anyway. I've never seen a guy with a sign that said: WILL CARRY SEDAN CHAIR FOR FOOD.
If any of my benefactors are listening, forget about the sedan chair. I'll settle for a new Grand Cherokee. White, I should think.
I think it's time to buck the trends. I'm tired of being pushed around at Christmas.
The next time I go to the barber shop, I'm going to save all the hair and buy a lot of nice boxes to put it in. And Aunt Dora can go take a hike if she doesn't like a box full of white hair that feels like steel wool.
LENGTH: Medium: 52 linesby CNB