ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Sunday, November 17, 1996 TAG: 9611190055
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: 3 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: CHRISTOPHER SLONE
FIRST I heard about Madonna. Then it was Melissa Ethridge. And now, Michael Jackson.
Everyone and their brother wants to be a momma.
Madonna, as we all know by now, looked long and hard before she found a suitable stud to sire her young 'un. Alas, Prince Charming turned out to be her personal trainer. Evidently, this fellow had just what Madonna was looking for: hip genes and consenting sperm.
But that was nothing. Lesbian rocker Melissa Ethridge and her pregnant girlfriend graced the cover of Newsweek magazine. How is this even possible? I asked myself. Again, the moms-to-be tapped into a male friend's sperm bank. (Though the couple won't say whose it is, my guess is: Madonna's trainer.)
Now, lo and behold, Michael Jackson is with child. OK, technically speaking, his longtime girlfriend is with child, but the androgynous Jackson plans to raise the kid himself, so you make the call. (``This is my dream come true,'' Jackson said in a recent statement. Lovely.)
All this is enough to make any reasonably moral person think: What the &%*# is going on?
What's going on? It's The Madonna Phenomenon: Everyone (and their brother) wants to be a momma. Fathers are passe. Paternal stricture has given way to maternal nurture. (Fathers spank, mothers cuddle. Fathers lecture, mothers console. Fathers push, mothers hug.)
Granted, I'm generalizing quite a bit, but the truth is there. Americans by and large have gone mommy-crazy. Lest you doubt, look at it this way: God is a father. Nature is a mother. Who gets top billing in today's society? (Hint: It ain't God.)
I rest my case.
Bob Dole would be president of the United States right now if he only understood The Madonna Phenomenon. Bill Clinton has understood it from day one. When he said, ``I feel your pain'' back in the 1992 race, what he really meant was, ``I'll be your mommy.'' We said OK. (George Bush may have inherited the Reagan Revolution in the 1980s, but he was much too patriarchal to be re-elected in the 1990s.)
When Clinton this year repeatedly referred to ``Dole/Gingrich,'' the unspoken inference was to ``Two Really Grumpy Old Men (Just Like Your Father).'' Again, we got the picture. Clinton's smart. He knows all too well what we want and what we don't.
Bob Dole missed the boat by talking about tax breaks and trust and drugs and criminal indictments and such. None of that matters much to the American public. We don't want a leader who feels passionately about character or issues, we want a leader who feels passionately about us. We want a leader who can empathize with us and rock us to sleep. We want, dare I say, a mommy. (We definitely didn't want another crotchety old man telling us who we can and who we can't hang out with.)
If the Republicans hope to retake the White House anytime soon, they need to understand, as certain Democrats do, the full implications of The Madonna Phenomenon. ``Soccer moms'' were merely the tip of a maternal iceberg. Madonna, Melissa and Michael merely epitomize the motherly instinct in all of us.
Christopher Slone, a newspaper editor and writer, is a native Roanoker who now lives in Virginia Beach.
LENGTH: Medium: 65 linesby CNB