ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Sunday, December 1, 1996 TAG: 9612030054
SECTION: BUSINESS PAGE: 2 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: WORKING IT OUT
SOURCE: CAMILLE WRIGHT MILLER
Q: One of my co-workers often tells me secrets about work-related issues. Whatever the problem or situation, I know the details. Every time she shares a secret she asks that I not tell anyone. I keep her confidences, but each time I hear full details through the rumor mill - because she's telling nearly everyone what she told me. She occasionally accuses others, behind their backs, of violating her confidences. How do I escape being wrongly accused of violating secrets?
A: It's difficult dealing with a person who can't keep her own secrets and can't keep track of who she's told secrets to.
When she begins a conversation with a request for confidence, tell her that protecting another's secrets is a strain and you fear you'll let something slip inadvertently. Ask that as a gesture of friendship, she refrain from sharing secrets with you.
Also, you could confront her with the truth. Tell her that you've never broken a confidence. Ask who else she has told and plans to tell. Explain that earlier confidences became public knowledge either from her or through other sources.
State that your vow to keep secrets is too important to be handed out easily; therefore, you'll listen only to secrets that are truly to be kept as secrets between two people.
Offer to be a sounding board for situations where you'll be the only confidant. Then state that when she's told, or plans to tell others, you can't be involved.
While confidences are interesting, handling the usual fallout requires too much energy to make a good trade-off. It really is much safer to say no to confidences - you'll hear the same information eventually, but you won't be held responsible for it.
Q: We're planning a staff retreat. How do we determine if we need a facilitator? And, if we need one, what qualifications should we look for?
A: What's the purpose of the retreat? What do you, other staff members, and the managerial staff want to accomplish?
The purpose of a meeting or retreat should set the agenda and help determine whether a facilitator is needed. Once you've identified the purpose and set the agenda, consider whether you need to "go outside" the organization for a facilitator.
Outside facilitators are often necessary when the "end product" is known, but few in the organization have familiarity with the processes used to create the end product. For example, creating strategic plans is often better directed by an outsider who focuses on the process, ensures full participation and can mediate disputes productively.
Interview several facilitators. Fill them in on your primary goal, the agenda, problems your organization and staff confront relative to the agenda and a list of those who will be attending along with their positions.
Note the questions the facilitator asks you. The varying levels of interest, the quality of questions and the quality of follow-up questions should help you identify good facilitation candidates. You want facilitators who are attentive to your goal and who support your organization's values.
Call organizations the facilitators have worked with in the past. Ask about their retreats, specific problems and their recommendations. While your relationship with a facilitator is short-term, the impact is long-term so be thorough in your research.
When you've identified a facilitator, be honest about your problems. Outside facilitators are helpful when there are hidden agendas or personality clashes. However, in these cases facilitators are more effective if they've met folks in the organization before the retreat and have been cautioned about possible problems.
If facilitation skills for the particular tasks you want to accomplish are held by someone in your organization and if members of your organization have excellent interpersonal dynamics, consider staying with a company employee. This can be especially valuable if your organization is highly specialized or relies heavily on industry or product jargon.
If the purpose of the retreat is to re-energize the staff and create a renewed commitment to one another, you may not need a facilitator or retreat leader. Simply state the true agenda, schedule the events and let staff members participate on their own terms.
For productive and successful retreats, there's as much or more preparation work before the retreat than there is the day of the event. Because you'll likely live with the results for some time, preparation efforts are worth the time.
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