ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, December 2, 1996 TAG: 9612030143
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
I know. I gave my solemn promise not to write about leaf disposal this year, but I have seen something sinister and frightening in the way things are going.
This is important for many of my fellow countrypersons - especially those who own leaf blower/vacuums designed so that when you're smart enough to attach the vacuum tube and bag and pick the thing up the exhaust blows right into your face.
This will make you fall down and see things if you use it long enough to vacuum the leaves out of the basement stairwell. Use it any longer than that and your leaf worries may be over forever.
You can walk into the house with all those fumes coming off you and the cat will faint.
Anyway, it's my theory that leaves are being genetically tampered with by some enemy of freedom who wants us to spend all our time getting rid of the things and not building any of Bill Clinton's bridges.
And I believe that nothing will sap the energy of the country faster than the constant gathering of leaves. Or listening to Bill's radio addresses.
For years I've had a house that creates new dirt, filth, spiders, nasty things that hang down from the ceiling and dust devils every four or five hours.
Now I have trees that sprout new dead leaves - presumably in the dead of night when there is a ghostly mist - and they come down with the first stiff breeze.
I'm not imagining this, pal. The oak tree in the side yard has had at least three crops of dead leaves. That is, they look like dead oak leaves. I'm thinking of having them analyzed - although I don't know who does that sort of thing or how to avoid being picked up by the authorities as an aging nutball.
One morning, all the leaves were gone from the maple tree that hangs over, and endangers, the deck. I blew the dead ones off the deck.
The next morning, the deck was covered with leaves again. I thought I heard some throbbing, loathsome noises during the night, but I can't be sure.
You can see where this may lead - trucks will break down under the strain of constant leaf collection. Municipal budgets will collapse. Ordinary citizens will take to strong drink. There will be anarchy.
It's December and the leaves appear to have stopped coming back from the dead.
The worst may be over. I'll keep monitoring the situation. If I get a deck full of leaves in February, I'm outta here.
LENGTH: Medium: 52 linesby CNB