ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, December 2, 1996 TAG: 9612030149
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
YES, THE HOLIDAY SEASON is upon us once again. But before you get out your credit card and become part of the desperate grasping holiday mob at the shopping mall, we'd like you to consider a modest proposal: This year, why not celebrate the holidays without gifts?
Think about it! The holidays are not supposed to be about material possessions; the holidays are supposed to be about beliefs, about traditions, about people. And the one thing we know for sure about people is, they want material possessions. So our modest proposal was pretty stupid, now that we think about it. You'd better get out that credit card after all.
But before you do, you should take a gander at the amazing array of gift items described here in our annual Holiday Gift Guide. We have literally scoured the planet in search of unique gift items that are sure to cause the lucky recipients to experience uncontrollable facial tics of delight.
And we offer this: our
HOLIDAY
GIFT GUIDE
GUARANTEE
Every item featured in this guide is a real product that we are not making up; you can actually purchase these items. We know this because we here at the Gift Guide have already purchased them, except for the dog-mounted video surveillance system, which we elected not to purchase because it costs more than $11,000.
But aside from that, we ordered every single one of these items and subjected it to our rigorous:
THREE-STEP GIFT-TESTING PROCEDURE
STEP ONE: We receive the item.
STEP TWO: We look at the item.
STEP THREE: We frankly wonder what will become of Western Civilization.
Demanding? You bet we are. But that is why we are able to offer our unconditional
GIFT GUIDE
CONSUMER
WARRANTY
If you purchase any item featured in this gift guide, and you are for any reason not 100 percent satisfied with it, then you will have nobody to blame but yourself. We guarantee it in writing.
POWER PEZ DISPENSER
$5.95 plus shipping and handling from Archie McPhee & Co., P.O. Box 30852, Seattle, Wash. 98103-0852, phone (206) 745-0711.
There can be no argument about the fact that, when we list the greatest inventions of the human race, the top two are:
1. The wheel.
2. Pez.
And not necessarily in that order, either. Yes, the wheel is a useful tool for transportation, but you can't carry it around in a dispenser and eat it when you need a snack. Whereas you can do this with Pez, the amazing foodlike substance that can be used as either candy or an ingredient for concrete.
The only problem is the effort involved in getting the Pez out of the standard dispenser. You constantly hear people say: ``I would enjoy Pez more often, but I cannot be bothered with the chore of manually flipping open the dispenser top.'' If you have such a person on your holiday gift list, then you need the Power Pez Dispenser. This is a battery-operated device that automatically rotates the Pez into position and ejects it in a semi-startling way (you have to be ready).
So this year, give the gift that says, ``batteries included.'' And remember that, in any language, ``Pez'' means ``love.''
TOILET PAPER HAT
$19.95 plus shipping and handling from Brainstorms, 8221 Kimball, Skokie, Ill. 60076-2956, phone (800) 231-6000.
If you're like most people, you've spent much of your life in a fruitless search for a hat that both looks good AND can hold an entire roll of toilet paper.
Well, your search is over, because somebody - and we frankly do not want to know why - has combined a baseball cap and a toilet-paper holder into a uniquely functional headwear concept, one that makes the unmistakable fashion statement: ``I have a roll of toilet paper on my head.'' A person wearing this hat can stride with confidence into any public restroom or guest bathroom, knowing that he or she is not going to get ``caught short.''
By giving this hat to a special someone on your list, you are saying, ``Here.''
COW MANURE CLOCK
$40 plus shipping and handling from Donna Minor, 1720 13th Ave. S.E., Medicine Hat, Alb. T1A 3P1, Canada, phone (403) 527-4879.
Sometimes, here at the Holiday Gift Guide, we get an item so unique that we can barely stay in the same room with it. That is definitely the case with this item, which is - and we swear we are not making this up - a clock made from cow droppings. And these are not just any cow droppings; these are Canadian cow droppings.
The cow-pie clock is the invention of a Canadian veterinarian, Tom Steele. His sister, Donna Minor, makes a limited number of the clocks each year by hand. According to an article in a newspaper called The Camrose Canadian, these clocks sell like hotcakes and have been featured on Canadian television. Steele is quoted as saying: ``It's not hard to get into a conversation about them with people.''
We bet it's not.
DOG-MOUNTED VIDEO CAMERA
Approximately $11,450 from Moran Security Support Services Limited, 47 Livingston Rd., Hove, East Sussex, BN3 3WP, U.K.
This is a camera that's mounted on the head of a dog and attached to an audio and video transmitter strapped to the dog's body; the transmitter broadcasts back to a receiver, so you can see and hear what the dog is seeing and hearing.
According to the manufacturer's brochure, the system - which is called the Wireless Operational Link & Video Exploration System, or WOLVES - is mainly intended for use with trained dogs, to provide surveillance in situations where it would be dangerous to send in a human, such as a hostage-taking or building collapse. But we think it would be VERY cool to strap this unit to an ordinary, everyday pet dog, the kind that has a name like ``Boomer'' and an IQ somewhere around minus 45.
Just imagine the hours of enjoyment you'll have as, sitting in the comfort of your home, you experience the world exactly as a dog experiences it. Think of the sights you'll see! For example, you'll see many views of your front door, which your dog will stare at for hours on end in hopes that you'll open it up and let him back inside. Sometimes you'll get to see the camera jerk up and down violently for 45 minutes, accompanied by extremely loud barking, as your dog protects your house from some deadly danger such as the mail carrier. And for real excitement, you might even get to see an extreme close-up of another dog's butt. Whatever programming Boomer came up with would be at least as good as most daytime TV.
GIANT ELECTRONIC RADAR FROG
$29.95 plus shipping and handling from S.A.M. Electronics, 2701 Belmont Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60618, phone (800) 684-1021.
Just when you think that modern technology has gone just about as far as it possibly can to benefit the human race, along comes an amazing breakthrough like this. This is a large plastic battery-powered frog that is equipped with a sensor in its mouth. When somebody moves in front of the frog, a speaker in the frog's stomach says, and this is a direct quote, ``Ribbet.''
The most obvious use for this item, of course, is security. Violent criminals are not going to mess around with any building that is protected by a plastic frog. This is why, at the present time, all U.S. nuclear-missile installations are protected by these devices.
But security is only the beginning. The advertisement for the Giant Electronic Radar Frog also states that it can also be used for the following purposes:
``Home Conversation Pet''
``Companion to cats and dogs''
``Deskmate''
``Meeting or Party Delight''
We especially like the idea of using this item as a meeting delight. We are pretty sure that any person who brings a Giant Electronic Radar Frog to a meeting is going to catch the eye of those in authority.
``INSTANT GOLD'' REPLATING SOLUTION
$19.98 plus shipping and handling from Harriet Carter, Dept. 36, North Wales, Pa. 19455, phone (215) 361-5151.
Here is an easy and quick way to take a piece of dull jewelry and transform it into a piece of dull jewelry covered with a thin layer of stuff that is clearly not gold. The effect is almost magical. That is why Elizabeth Taylor, to name just one star, goes through thousands of gallons of this product every year.
You men out there will definitely want to buy this gift item for that ``special lady'' in your life. It's a way for you to say, ``I thought about buying you some actual jewelry, but I decided to give you this replating solution instead, thereby saving me enough money to buy myself those new golf clubs that I know you wanted me to have.'' Trust us when we tell you that she will be ``blown away'' by this classy gesture on your part. She might even tell her attorney about it.
``LOVE EWE'' BRAND INFLATABLE LOVE SHEEP
$19.95 plus shipping and handling from Mutton Bone, 41 W. Lee Hwy. Suite 59-233, Warrenton, Va. 22186.
We are not going to beat around the bush: In our opinion, this is the finest inflatable love sheep currently on the market. It measures a full 4 feet long and features a romantic expression, as well as fishnet stockings. Trust us when we tell you that this tasteful item will make a deep and lasting impression on the person who receives it. The Love Ewe is a perfect gift for that hard-to-please boss or business client, because it truly sends the holiday message: ``Baaaaa.''
We also happen to know for a fact that this is the exact model of inflatable love sheep that Mr. and Mrs. John Kennedy Jr. took on their honeymoon.
NEUTICLES
$32 (large), from CTI Corporation, P.O. Box 442, Buckner, Mo. 64016, phone, (816) 650-6655.
Sometimes we hear about a product that is so unusual we feel compelled to order it just to confirm that it truly does exist. Neuticles are such a product.
Neuticles are artificial testicles for dogs. The idea is, if you have your dog fixed, the veterinarian can install these, so your dog will feel that he is still as much of a canine stud as he ever was. According to the literature, Neuticles are ``crafted from FDA-approved polyurethane material'' and ``replicate the canine testicle in size, shape and weight.'' Needless to say, Neuticles are a terrific way to say ``Happy Holidays!'' to the dog on your gift list. But we think they also make a potentially very useful gift for humans as well. Let's say you work in an office where a male co-worker regularly comes around to your desk and stands there gabbing, thus preventing you from getting any work done. Just put a set of Neuticles - we recommend the large size - on your desk, and wait for the co-worker to pick them up and ask what they are. When you answer, your co-worker will - trust us - immediately drop them and walk away. After a few steps, he may even faint.
TAPE OF ROOFING SONGS AND STORIES
$10 plus shipping and handling from Don Ohman's Roofing Tunes, Box 327, Pasco, Wash. 99301, fax (509) 545-4324.
(Suggested by Peter Jefferson of Highlands, N.C.)
If you have a friend or loved one -- And who doesn't? -- who enjoys listening to songs and stories about roofing, this is the gift for that person.
``Please Pass the Asphalt'' (``as advertised in Roofer Magazine'') is a cassette tape performed by roofer Don Ohman Sr. and other professional roofers, some of whom sound as though they are pounding on actual roofing implements. As the promotional brochure states, ``this 30-minute audiotape of remarkable, unusual roofing songs and stories deals with the trials and tribulations of the average roofer and roofing contractor.'' Here are some actual lyrics from one of the songs:
``Oh a roof's the most important part of your building
If it leaks it can create a real hell
But us roofers, we're here to solve that nasty problem
So go ahead and place us high upon a pedestal.''We here at the Gift Guide urge you to purchase this tape for anybody on your list who is tired of listening to the same old overplayed songs about roofers and roofing contractors.
KITTEN FLUTE
$24 plus shipping and handling from Whole Life Products, Pacific Spirit, 1334 Pacific Ave., Forest Grove, Ore. 97116, phone (800) 634-9057, fax (503) 357-1669.
Here is a wonderful gift idea for the musical person on your gift list who would enjoy playing a tune while appearing to be committing an unnatural act with a domestic animal.
The Kitten Flute is a real, working flute with holes on the kitten's back for your fingers, and a hole in another part of the kitten where you're supposed to put your mouth. We here at the Gift Guide were reluctant to do this, because we are frankly concerned about becoming yet another statistic in the raging epidemic of flute-transmitted diseases.
Nevertheless we think you should buy a whole mess of these and maybe even hold a Kitten Flute party, which has become all the rage among top Hollywood celebrities such as Brad Pitt and Michelle Pfeiffer, who are constantly calling up their friends and saying, ``Want to come over and toot the tabby?''
COW BRASSIERE
$40 plus shipping and handling from Nasco, 901 Janesville Ave., Fort Atkinson, Wis. 53538-0901, phone (800) 558-9595.
Did you ever see an item for sale that was so unusual that you just had to purchase it? This is one of those items. This is the ``Let-Up'' brand cow udder supporter, which according to the catalog description ``eliminates congestion and caking, which causes broken down udders.'' The catalog further states: ``With Let-Up, there are no smashed teats, self-sucking, or need of ointment.''
We don't know about you, but here at the Holiday Gift Guide we happen to believe, as Americans, that this would be a far better nation in which to live if there were less caking, self-sucking and need of ointment. That is why we think you should seriously consider purchasing the ``Let-Up'' udder supporter for everybody on your gift list who might have a use for it. And we do not believe that a person necessarily has to own a cow to benefit from this product. We think the ``Let-Up'' can also be used as a small hammock, as well as a mechanism for suspending potted plants. It has all kinds of straps coming out of it, so you could probably also use it as a restraining device, or for practical jokes involving people who have had a ``few too many'' and fallen asleep in parties or bars. Imagine the fun of watching a friend of yours, late at night, on the street, trying to explain to police officers why he was wearing nothing except an udder supporter! Ha ha!
Knight-Ridder/Tribune
LARVETS
$13.95 (set of 12 packets) plus shipping and handling from Archie McPhee & Co., P.O. Box 30852, Seattle, Wash. 98103, phone (206) 745-0711.
Larvets are actual beetle larvae that you are supposed to eat. They look like little worms, but, boy, are they delicious!
Actually, we have no idea what they taste like. We may not be the smartest people on Earth, but we are not about to voluntarily eat beetle larvae. But somebody must eat them, because you can buy Larvets in little packets, each containing 25 larvae, in three popular flavors: barbecue, cheddar cheese and Mexican spice. (It is not clear whether the flavoring was added, or beetle larvae naturally come in these flavors.)
We think a nice big bowl of Larvets would make a great addition to any holiday party. Larvets are also a great gift for the dieter on your gift list, because (1) they're low in fat and calories, and (2) the dieter on your gift list will take one look at them and be unable to eat for days.
For a fun holiday tradition, you can have the kids leave a glass of milk and a nice plate of Larvets out for Santa.
The more we think about it, the harder it is for us to imagine a holiday season without beetle larvae. We may need therapy.''
- Knight-Ridder/Tribune
LENGTH: Long : 279 lines ILLUSTRATION: PHOTO: 1. Decorative yet functional: the cow manure clock. 2.by CNBDon't forget the musician in the family: the kitten flute. 2. All
that glitters is for that special someone: ``Instant Gold''
replating solution. And for other ideas ... 3. Your friends will
``Love Ewe'' for remembering them. color. 4. For more fun with your
best friend, it's gotta be the dog-mounted video camera.