ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Tuesday, December 3, 1996 TAG: 9612030050
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 2 EDITION: METRO
TYPE: BOOK REVIEW
SOURCE: ED BARK KNIGHT-RIDDER/TRIBUNE
Roseanne, an accomplished diver off the deep end, seems intent on achieving new personal bests on ``Roseanne'' this season.
Caught her show lately? Two letters: P U.
Tim Allen's ``Home Improvement'' is still ABC's highest-rated series, and not a bad show most weeks. But this latent metaphysical kick of his smacks of a full-blown midlife crisis. Allen's new book, ``I'm Not Really Here,'' perhaps should be subtitled ``In Bargain Bins by Valentine's Day.'' Hey, Timbo, have a Coke and a smile. Life is tough enough without your taking a quantum leap into quantum physics.
The on-and off-camera doings of these two stars is of more than passing interest to struggling ABC. ``Roseanne'' leads off the network's Tuesday night lineup and lately has been dragging it down, while NBC's competing ``Mad About You'' soars into Nielsen's weekly Top 10. Anybody see that ``Roseambo'' episode, in which she tried to play a bare-midriffed, distaff Steven Seagal aboard a hijacked train? It was as bad a half-hour as you'll see this season, although Roseanne keeps ``topping'' herself week to week.
For most of her nine seasons on ABC, Roseanne somehow has managed to surmount her chaotic personal life. ``Roseanne'' the sitcom remained funny and inventive while the real-life Roseanne kept careening all over the place through a butchered national anthem, seemingly whacked-out claims that her parents abused her, a lost-and-found daughter - and Tom Arnold. Against all these odds, she retained a finely tuned comic sensibility that kept her show from imploding on her and us. No more. ``Roseanne'' has been a sorry sight ever since the Conners won a $108 million lottery and co-star John Goodman left the show save for occasional guest appearances.
Without Goodman, ``Roseanne'' has gone from a sharply drawn domestic comedy to a foundationless series of ``adventures'' in which Roseanne and her sister, Jackie (Laurie Metcalfe), find various ways to spend all their newfound moolah.
This is her last season, or so she says. Be assured that ABC won't beg her to stay another year. ``Roseanne's'' ratings have plummeted to the point where it's possible ABC will do the previously unthinkable - yank it before the season ends.
Meanwhile, Allen is getting all cosmic on us. It hasn't infected ``Home Improvement'' yet, but the star's state of mind suddenly bears watching. A teleconference devoted to his new book was pretty much a head-scratcher from start to finish.
``I'd been reading these physics books on and off since I'd been in college,'' he said, ``and it started really getting disturbing. Because the more I found out, the more I realized I don't know anything. And it kind of corresponded to how I don't know much about where I am in life. And then all of a sudden I had a daughter who is firmly rooted in life, and that kind of anchored me, but still didn't calm this malaise that I was feeling. Not depression and not disinterest. Just kind of a blandness. I blamed a lot of it on the physics.''
Perhaps you've deduced by now that Allen's resultant book, ``I'm Not Really Here,'' is a little different from his previous No.1 best seller, ``Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man.''
The former was a compilation of his stand-up comedy, as were previous best sellers by Jerry Seinfeld and Paul Reiser. Quick, easy and highly profitable.
``I'm Not Really Here'' is more ambitious, to be sure, but fans of Allen might not appreciate what he's wrought. Make that overwrought. Here are two paragraphs from Page 11:
``Here's my big problem. Since, at the most basic level we're just a bunch of quantum particles, I hope this doesn't mean what I'm afraid it does, that in some very scary way, I'm not really here.
``Now for the bad news: If I'm not really here, neither are you. It's a lot more complicated, but the bottom line is that if we're not really here, then nothing we think, say, or do means anything, right? What's the point of being good? Why do I spend two hours at the gym every day? What really happened to that delicious steak I ate for dinner?''
OK, go ahead and think it. TV's ``Tool Man'' is showing signs of having a few screws loose. It's a free country, and he can exercise his mind in any way he chooses. But for an asking price of $21.95, you might want to resist buying this book as a Christmas gift for any big ``Home Improvement'' fans on your list.
LENGTH: Medium: 81 linesby CNB