ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, December 4, 1996 TAG: 9612050066
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
To: Procurement Division
Subject: Towels
From: Chief Executive Officer
A recent Associated Press dispatch revealed an unfortunate innovation in the manufacturing of bath towels - another example of the change-mongers and their constant threat to our way of life. These are bath towels with added embroidery, of all things.
I have hitherto approved major changes in our procurement procedures - including the purchase of groceries and supplies that have little or no fat in them, which means they taste like the obituary page.
I have remained silent on a number of occasions when I thought your approach to requisitioning ran counter to my theories of running a tight ship.
One such instance was the purchase of those sissy workout socks that barely cover a person's ankle.
I would hate to go to the emergency room wearing a pair of those.
Another case in point was, and is, the terry cloth robe with the wide oriental-type sleeves that catch on, among other things, the stair railing.
So far, as you can see, I have not fallen to my death in the half light of a winter morning.
Thus, with all the force at my command, I forbid the purchase of the towels that are the subject of this memorandum.
Anyone responsible for the presence of embroidered towels in this organization will be dealt with severely.
I believe we can depend on the ordinary towel to see us through. Unfortunately, the time has passed when I could get an ordinary towel about my body, but if there were an XXL large embroidered towel, I would die before I answered the door wearing it.
As an aside here, I ask you to consider the effect of an XXL embroidered towel on our cost-containment parameters.
Nor will there be purchases of the sort of towels Europeans use - which are said to be like dish cloths; with little drying power.
Let the Europeans run around in damp underwear. "America for Americans" is what I say.
These towels are weaves of linen and cotton or blends thereof.
And I say to hell with them. Improperly drying one's body with a large dish towel does little to improve the quality of life.
The Associated Press mentioned Jacquards. I don't know what they are, but they are banned.
It will continue to be my policy to run this organization as if we were still in the early 1950s when times and morals were better and people didn't try to change things all the time.
Nobody worried about Jacquards then.
LENGTH: Medium: 57 linesby CNB