ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Thursday, December 5, 1996 TAG: 9612050008
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: OFF THE CLOCK
SOURCE: CHRIS HENSON
Well, we've poured over the glut of jokes sent in for our Yuck Fest Joke Competition. And we have our winners, who will receive tickets to Roanoke's new Slaphappys Comedy Club, courtesy of The Roanoke Times.
But before we get to the winners, we'd like to share some of the honorable mention chortlers that were worth, well, a good chortle. First, a few quickies to get you all warmed up for the big zingers to follow:
Danny Riser of Roanoke tells of a cannibal couple sitting at the table eating. One looks at the other and says, "I don't like your mother," and the other one says, "then eat your vegetables."
Which reminds me. Did you hear about the cannibal who threw up his arms in disgust? Or the cannibal who came home late for dinner and got the cold shoulder? Ahem ...
I know you're out there. I can hear you typing letters to the editor.
Speaking of tasteless, Brian Scholz of Roanoke asks why did the actor/singer/dancer jump off the Empire State Building? He wanted to make a hit on Broadway.
Do you know what happens if you don't pay your exorcist? Mike Huff of Roanoke does. You get repossessed.
Regina Young of Christiansburg knows what Sadaam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common. They both have Kurds in their way.
Ken Rattenbury of Roanoke can tell you why a chicken coop can have only two doors. Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Ouch!
Michelle Bennett tells the story of a cow that goes to the doctor and says, "I don't seem to be able to get pregnant." The doctor looks her over and says, "That's because you've been de-calfinated."
Ouch again!
Now, let's move on to some of the longer zingers.
We all know what happens when you die. Before you can enter heaven you have to answer a question. And, according to Walter Lockett of Roanoke, the scene goes something like this:
A man died and went to heaven. God met him at the pearly gates. The man asked what he needed to do to get in. God replied that one needed only to spell one simple word. "And what is the word?" asked the man. "Love," said God. The man spelled it and went into heaven.
Just at that moment the phone rang back in the celestial office, and God said to the man, "Will you please keep an eye on the gate while I get the phone?"
"Certainly," said the man, and he sat by the gates.
To the man's utter amazement, his wife was the first one to approach the pearly gates. "What brings you here?" he asked. "On the way home from your funeral I was killed in an auto accident. What do I have to do to get into heaven?" The husband said that all one needed to do was to spell a simple word. "And what is that word," asked his wife. The man replied, "Ecclesiastes."
Then there's this automotive yarn from Randy Butt (and we are NOT going to go there!) of Blacksburg:
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the United States or Europe, a 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the most expensive car in the world. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, Sonny?"
The man replies, "A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"'Cause this car can go 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320.
Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Whhhooooooooossssshhhh! Something whips by him! The guy wonders, "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whhoooosssh! It goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be, thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! WhhhoooosssshhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out, and jeez to Betsy, it IS the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies, "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
If you think that was good, then wait until you hear the one about the lawyer and the $100,000 envelopes, but that will have to wait until my next column. It was kind of long and involved and we had to run it past legal first.
So then, here they are! The Yuck Fest Joke Competition winners:
Third prize goes to this insightful quickie from Pat Coleman of Roanoke. She says a man came into the Roanoker Restaurant where she works and said his VISA card had been stolen. Pat asked him if he had reported it stolen yet, and he said, "No. Whoever has it now is spending less than my wife did."
Lest we be branded chauvinistic, take a look at our second prize, a table-turner related by Douglas Galliher of Vinton.
"I'm a local truck driver," he says, "and last Monday I made a run to Greensboro and when I got back I walked in the house and my wife said, 'Honey, the car broke today.' I looked at her real funny and said, 'Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?'
"On Tuesday I made another run, came home, walked into the house and my wife said, 'Honey the washing machine broke down.' I looked at her real funny and said, 'Who do I look like, the Maytag Repairman?'
"Wednesday I went out and returned again, walked in the house and my wife said, 'Honey, I got the car and the washing machine fixed.' I asked her who fixed them and she said Jerry, our neighbor down the street. I asked her what did he charge? My wife said, 'He said I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him.'
"`What did you do?' I said.
"She looked at me real funny and said, 'Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?'"
But, the first-prize winner has to be this story of a man's inventiveness when it comes to neckwear, phoned in by David Collins of Wytheville:
A guy walks into a bar. The bouncer stops him and says, "Can't you read, buddy? Sign says you can't come in here unless you're wearing a tie."
The guy goes back to his car thinking he might have a tie in the glove box. He doesn't find one but he keeps looking around until he gets to the trunk and where he finds a set of jumper cables. Well, he decides to put them on, tucking them under his collar and tying them in a neat little knot.
Back at the door he says, "Will this do, Mr. Bouncer?"
The bouncer takes a look. "Yeah, I guess so," he says. "Just don't start anything."
Congratulations. And a special thanks to everyone who entered.
Now, stop with the jokes already! You're killing me here!
LENGTH: Long : 130 linesby CNB