ROANOKE TIMES 
                      Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times

DATE: Friday, December 6, 1996               TAG: 9612060063
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1    EDITION: METRO 
COLUMN: Friday Something
SOURCE: NANCY GLEINER

SUITS SOMEONE TO A 'T'

Choosing a T-shirt requires the same care as choosing a car: Function is important but the statements they make are even more so. A few gems from the catalog deluge:

It's not an empty nest until they get their stuff out of the basement.

Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book; inside of a dog, it's very dark.

Can I deduct my husband as a child-care expense?

``And thou shall have dominion over all the beasts except, of course, for cats.'' Felines: 12-15.

``I'm a virgin.'' And in much smaller letters underneath: ``This is a very old T-shirt.''

``Make thy ball lie in green pastures, not in still waters.'' Arnie -3: par 72.

Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.

``My rod and my reel, they comfort me.'' St. Pete: 12-pound. test.

Age is a number. Mine is unlisted.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Be kind to me. I have teen-agers.

Written in ransom-note style: Just give me the chocolate and no one will get hurt.

I yell because I care.

LENGTH: Short :   35 lines