ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, December 9, 1996 TAG: 9612090090
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A-7 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: MONTY S. LEITCH
SOURCE: MONTY S. LEITCH
YOU'VE HEARD about the "dumbing-down" of America, haven't you? Well, it's true. That is, it's true if recently published and wildly popular book titles are any clue.
It all started with "DOS for Dummies," IDG Books' 1991 guideline for computer non-nerds by Dan Gookin. Since then, our collective intelligence has been collectively declining.
But not to worry. The publishing industry is right behind us on our slippery slope.
You can start with "Sex for Dummies." And then, since you're a dummy, you can move right on to "Parenting for Dummies."
(As Dave Barry would say: These are actual titles. I am not making them up.)
At some point, before you're ready for "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Parenting a Teen-ager," you'll probably want to take a look at (in this order) "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating" and "The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Wedding." Possibly, you will someday need "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Surviving Divorce," too. But let's worry about that later.
(By the way, if you have trouble with any of the above, check out "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Your Perfect Body," "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Etiquette" or "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Sex, Lies, and On-Line Chat." If, despite all that guidance, you're still single, then you'll need "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Living With a Cat." Or, at the very least, "Dogs for Dummies.")
Let's assume you've been a successful moron so far. You've courted, you've married, you've given birth. What now?
Money, of course. You've got to get some money. In which case you'll find one of the following helpful:
* "Job Hunting for Dummies"
* "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Writing Resumes" or "Resumes for Dummies"
* "Cover Letters for Dummies"
* "The Interview for Dummies"
* "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Getting Rich"
"Negotiating for Dummies" will come in handy at that point in the interview when the personnel manager says, "Now, about salary " Of course, you have to hope the personnel manager has not read "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Winning Through Negotiating" or "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Managing People."
But let's be hopeful; let's assume you get your job (thereby necessitating a copy of "The Complete Idiot's Guide To Managing Stress").
If, despite all this helpful advice, you're a real dummy, and you don't get a job, you can always turn to "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Gambling Like a Pro."
However you get your money, once you do get it, you will, of course - being a dummy - need advice on how to use it. Check out "Personal Finance for Dummies" or "Investing for Dummies." If you're very stupid, check out "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Making Money on Wall Street" or "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Managing Your Money."
If you're very, very, very stupid, you'd better get "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Protecting Yourself From Everyday Legal Hassels," too. Or, maybe, "Law for Dummies."
Oh, it goes on and on. But you're not stupid; you get the picture. "Home-Buying for Dummies." "Construction for the Modern Idiot." "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Buying or Leasing a Car." "The Idiot Gardener's Handbook." "Cooking for Dummies." Beer, wine (white or red), chess, and politics "for Dummies." (No "Religion for Dummies." Which probably tells you something.)
"Moron Movies." "Fly-Fishing for the Compleat Idiot." "How To Keep Your Suburu Alive." "Auto Repair for Dummies." "The Complete Idiot's Guide To '' American history, a great retirement, first aid, photography, cooking, public speaking and the Great Outdoors!
All of the above summarized, no doubt, in "Life for the Totally Clueless."
Book, books, books! And you thought Americans were reading less than ever.
Monty S. Leitch is a Roanoke Times columnist.
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