ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Tuesday, December 17, 1996 TAG: 9612170032
SECTION: SPORTS PAGE: B-1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BERNIE LINCICOME
DATELINE: CHICAGO
SOURCE: BERNIE LINCICOME
Time once again for the coveted Bernies, the annual awards for special sports achievement that are designed to sum up just what kind of year it was.
Danny Wuerffel Can Have the Heisman, I'll Take an NFL Career Award - To Virginia Tech's Jim Druckenmiller, who will be the first quarterback drafted.
You Take the Over, I'll Take the Under, Hut Two, Hut Two Award - To the Boston College football team.
Today's Loogie is Tomorrow's Loot Award - To umpire John Hirschbeck, spat upon by Roberto Alomar, now selling autographed posters of the incident for charity.
If You Think That Was Tacky, You Have Obviously Never Been to Quartzite, Ariz., Award - To Atlanta during the Olympics.
Ladies and Lords, The First Briton in a Wimbledon Men's Final since Fred Perry Award - To Melissa Johnson, wearing only an apron, who flashed Todd Martin and MalaVai Washington before turning her other cheeks to the Royal Box.
Not All the Perfumes of Arabia Could Sweeten this Troglodyte Award - To Oakland tackle Steve Wisniewski, the dirtiest player in football.
You Didn't Tell me it was $42 Million Canadian Award - To new Toronto pitcher Roger Clemens, who has always wanted to be the highest paid player in baseball, although if Clemens had gone to Japan he wouldn't have been able carry all the yen in a Mazda mini-van.
Hey, What did they think this was, the Davis Cup? Award - To soccer fans in Costa Rica for hooting during the ``Star Spangled Banner,'' spitting on American players, hitting Alexi Lalas with a battery and spritzing another player with pepper spray.
We Should Just Call it the Football Widows Association Award - To the new women's pro basketball league, averaging only 3,000 a game, but who are sure things will pick up once the Super Bowl is over.
Then, How About ''Achy Breaky Heart``? Award - To basketball player Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf for refusing to stand for the national anthem, a song he considers a ``symbol of oppression and tyranny.''
Let's Just Cut to the Chase and Rename that No Contest Plea No.88, You Know, Michael Irvin's Number Award - To the Dallas Cowboys.
I Guess That's What We Get for Playing on April Fool's Day Award - To Cincinnati owner Marge Schott, who said exactly that when umpire John McSherry collapsed behind home plate and died seven pitches into the baseball season.
Three Yards and a Cloud of Carcinogens Award - To Gary, Ind., for attempting to attract the Bears.
Jeez, What Must He Think of Dennis Rodman? Award - To San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown for calling 49er quarterback Elvis Grbac ''an embarrassment to humankind.``
I Guess All the Yellow Pansies Were Taken Award - To boxer Frank Bruno, for whom a flowering impatiens was created and named.
There is No Me in Team, or Wait, if You Rearrange the Letters Sure There Is Award - To the coach of the Miami Dolphins who said, ``As much as I want Dan Marino to get a Super Bowl ring, I want a third one. And I guess selfishly I want it more for me than I do for him. I could say I want it for Dan, but the hell with that. I want it for Jimmy Johnson.''
I'll Trade You One Tiger Woods for Two Kobe Bryants and a Kerri Strug Award - To generation X Minus.
Well, Then, How About a Body Check into the Boards, Eh? - To the University of Moncton, New Brunswick. In the last game of the season game against Prince Edward Island, coaches and players attacked hockey referee Brian Carragher because he could not see the puck, spearing him in the groin. ``Their conduct is incompatible with our educational mission,'' said school spokesman Paul-Emile Benoit.
Bernie Lincicome is a sports columnist for the Chicago Tribune.
LENGTH: Medium: 74 linesby CNB