ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Tuesday, December 17, 1996 TAG: 9612170033
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
Holidays are wonderful opportunities to renew family ties, but they also remind us of those who are no longer here.
Sunday, I visited my father's grave to see the holiday topper my mother and sister had placed on his tombstone. In the mere seconds that it took to reread his date of death - more than 14 years ago - I thought of so many wonderful times, his joking, his laughter, his gentleness.
My life was never the same after my father died, and I worried about that. But it's OK, grief expert Alan Wolfelt said at a recent workshop Oakey's Funeral Service held in Roanoke.
After a loss of someone close, life does not return to the "old normal," Wolfelt said. It returns to a "new normal."
Wolfelt is a thanatologist, which means he studies the medical, psychological and social problems associated with dying. He is director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colo., and an author and lecturer.
The Roanoke Airport Marriott auditorium was packed for the workshop with nurses, doctors, ministers, social workers and hospice staffs, each searching for better ways to help others deal with loss.
Wolfelt says there are common myths about grief, the first being that grief and mourning are the same.
Not so, he said. When someone close to us dies, we experience both grief and mourning. Grief includes our thoughts and feelings inside. Mourning is a shared social response to the loss; it's when grief goes public.
Other myths:
*Everybody belongs in a support group. No, people should not try to change the way they mourn, and the shy do it in quieter ways.
*That there is a predictable and orderly stage-like progression to the experience of mourning. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss psychiatrist credited with bringing the hospice movement to the United States, wrote a book "On Death and Dying," that said grief has stages. Wolfelt said Kubler-Ross never intended for Americans to "take that and go" as a recipe for getting over a loss. Stages aren't neat.
*It's best to move away from grief instead of toward it. He calls this the "duck theory." Ducks glide smoothly across the water, but if you look underneath them, their feet are moving like mad. Unhealthy grief wounds linger and burn into future relationships, Wolfelt said.
*The goal is to get over your grief. No so, the goal is to reconcile your grief.
*Tears are only a sign of weakness. Don't tell a grieving person not to cry, but don't push Kleenex at them either.
Losing someone close means a loss of self, of identity, of self-confidence, of health, even of personality, Wolfelt said. Goals and dreams for the future are gone because goals can seem unreachable without the person who died.
Wolfelt said he often speaks with his mother when he's traveling, particularly if he's feeling down.
"I've always had a Mom," he said.
That bond and that support system will change when his mother dies.
Realizing your grief and talking about it are among the ways Wolfelt suggests we deal with loss. Don't try to compare your experience with that of other people. Grieve at your own pace. Also, share your grief with caring friends and relatives who will listen without judging.
Expect, too, to experience confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, relief or explosive emotions.
Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Respect what your body and mind are telling you; rest, eat balanced meals and care for yourself.
Make use of ritual and allow a search for meaning.
Treasure your memories.
How do we know when we've reconciled to the loss? We recognize the finality of the death. We return to stable eating and sleeping patterns, have a renewed sense of energy and establishment of new relationships.
Also, there is a sense of release from the person who has died as we are no longer preoccupied with thoughts of the person.
Reconciliation has taken place, too, when we can be compassionate with ourselves when normal resurgences of intense grief occur, such as during the holidays, Wolfelt says.
You can reach Sandra Brown Kelly at 1-800-346-1234, x393, or at 981-3393 or at biznews@roanoke.infi.net.
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