ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, January 8, 1997 TAG: 9701080003
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
I had hoped to start the new year without predicting the Absolute End to Everything We Hold Dear.
But I gotta tell you, pal. It doesn't look good.
I think the Cabbage Patch snacking dolls that eat their owners' hair and fingers is a sign that we are all doomed. These things have the capacity to turn a Shirley Temple look-alike into a confused little girl with a crew cut.
The Mattel toy people put a warning label on the dolls after they had assaulted more than 30 kids.
I haven't heard reports of muggings or extortion plots, but you never know.
Some of you may recall an earlier version of the Cabbage Patch doll that caused mothers - who looked like Shirley Jones when she was young, sang in their respective church choirs, and always observed Lent - to sandbag each other in department stores.
I don't like to think about what might have happened if these dolls had been engineered to eat hair and bite fingers.
I say bring back the Sunshine Family and Betsy-Wetsy and Chatty Cathy. Or - I'm biting my tongue when I say this - give us Barbie.
All of these dolls were not physical threats to their owners. Oh, Barbie may have run a scam on them, but there wouldn't have been any violence.
Think about it. G.I. Joe is still a symbol of dangerous militarism to many people. You ever hear of him giving a kid the bayonet?
There are other considerations here, other than children rendered bald-headed by their dolls.
These incidents are going to inspire further erosion of our quality of life - which is to say there will be a movie about these dolls. If we'll buy into a movie in which spaceships as big as East Tennessee blow up the White House, it's a small step to cannibalistic dolls who want to dominate the world by gobbling up all the females.
Society, of course, would collapse with no women to bear children, go to the supermarket, clean the bathroom and try to be cheerful most of the time.
The first movie should star Jo Beth Williams, who takes the batteries out of a doll that is attacking her children, only to find that this doesn't help.
It regenerates itself after Jo Beth smashes it with a hammer and then eats her left arm. Then it clones itself into an army. You can see where it goes from there.
Want to do something nice for your country? Buy your kid a Raggedy Ann, whether she likes it not.
LENGTH: Medium: 53 linesby CNB