ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, January 15, 1997 TAG: 9701150028
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
I've always known domesticity the key to a woman's heart
Here's a tip, fellas: Vacuum your way into her heart
It was good news to me that all of those bodice-busting romantic novelists have started writing about the kind of man I used to be.
The Associated Press tells us that those arrogant, strong-willed heroes of old are gone.
We now have well-muscled men who run vacuum cleaners without using foul language. They apparently pick up their underwear. They change diapers. They cook.
They still have great pectorals and show off their chests - which is something I avoided when I was their age.
We are told that the cover of this new kind of novel may show a shirtless man holding a baby.
Say what you will, but this makes sense. If you aren't wearing a shirt when a baby spits up on you, you can just sponge it right off and you don't have to change your shirt or go around smelling bad.
I will say here that I never went around shirtless in front of my babies.
I also admit that I cuss my vacuum cleaner regularly, and I can't cook, but my like has seldom been seen in the areas of child-care and general cleaning.
I wonder if these new novels go like this:
"Pamela watched the way Dave's muscles moved sensually under his tanned skin as he changed the bag in the vacuum cleaner. Her heart was in her throat, her bosom rose and fell, and pure, reckless desire coursed through her being as he put the brush attachment on the wand.
"He was good at vacuuming. Unlike other men she had known, he never ran the canister over its wire or threw it down the steps in a fit of male anger. His biceps moved engagingly as he cleaned the drapes."
(I interrupt this lovely prose to say that I hope Dave doesn't start doing the housework in the nude and write Ann Landers about it. I also would like to say I'll bet Dave doesn't do windows.)
"Later - after he had done the shopping, the banking, the laundry, the ironing, the Christmas cards and called her mother - she would watch him, desire washing her entire body, as he prepared the evening chili.
"When dinner was over, he did the dishes, changed the twins, let the cat out, and then went to the basement for a brisk workout - which he ended by bench-pressing 300 pounds. Then she would thrill to his light step on the stairs as he dusted the railing as he made his way to their bedroom."
I bench-press 20 pounds three times a week myself. That may not seem like much, but just remember that I do windows.
LENGTH: Medium: 53 linesby CNB