ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, January 27, 1997 TAG: 9701280036
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
I've returned to my old habit of falling down a lot, and I'm still pretty good at it.
Earlier this month, I slipped on the ice and fell down in the driveway, and it was done nicely, if I do say so myself. I always say that if you're going to fall down a lot, do it with class.
I could have charged admission for this one.
Except for the way the fallee feels about it, the act of losing one's feet and crashing to the ground with sickening sounds has always been a source of humor.
People will say they noticed new cracks in the driveway since your fall, and they claim the seismograph at Virginia Tech picked up the shock waves.
After they've stopped laughing, these same people will bring flowers to the hospital where you're recovering from a hip replacement.
As a well-known fallee, I ought to be happy that I can bring some happiness into the otherwise grim lives of such people.
I promise to try to be happy after this bruise that covers the left side of my body disappears and the fingernail on my left pinkie reattaches itself.
All of us know there are certain people who live their entire lives without falling down. I like to think these people do little to enrich the American Experience.
I think it would be kind of boring to live like that. You can tell these people at your average cocktail party. They never have any new jokes, and you know they're just waiting around until you slip on an area rug and throw bourbon and water all over the hostess's antique clock.
These are the same people who can eat spaghetti all night long and not get a single accusing drop of sauce on their shirts. They can eat corn on the cob without dislodging a cap on one of their front teeth.
Their shirts always stay in their pants. The hoods on their parkas are always neatly folded. They understand those two-way zippers.
Nevertheless, I'll bet they never write the Great American Novel or compose a sonata or write poetry.
To write great literature or compose great music, you have to suffer. These people simply don't know the physical pain that comes with falling down at 7:15 a.m. when the Weather Channel says the temperature is 36 and there should be no ice.
They don't know the mental hurt when society marks you as a fallee and can hardly wait to see you go down again.
And most of them salt their driveways better than I do.
LENGTH: Medium: 52 linesby CNB