ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, February 3, 1997 TAG: 9702030098
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A-5 EDITION: METRO
TYPE: READER'S FORUM
Don't prolong the agony
DIVORCES should be easier to obtain!
Often after a couple marry, one spouse shows his or her true self and may be horribly different: compulsively unfaithful or worse. Also, former spouses may suddenly enter the picture and make life unbearable. Or stepkids may unmercifully abuse the ``new'' parent with emotional manipulation.
Counseling should be tried, of course. But the agony of a victimized spouse shouldn't be prolonged by denying the right of divorce.
Instead, marriages should be much more difficult to begin. A six-month to one-year waiting period should be required after a couple applies for a marriage license.
CARA CARTER
ROANOKE
Time can heal marriage's wounds
YES, DIVORCE should be harder to get.
I am astounded in this age of clamoring for individual rights and freedom of choice that in the one area in which men and women have full freedom of choice, we have such little respect for our own decisions.
Perhaps a lack of self-respect and lack of loyalty to vows made to God and another person before witnesses is justified. Marriages arranged by parents might serve us better.
Possibly our initial decision was a poor one. It takes time to overcome poor decisions and make the best of them. Time can heal, if the resolve is there: resolve to honor a vow; resolve to provide security for the children at all costs, yet never counting the cost; resolve to forgive and ask forgiveness; resolve to care about others ahead of oneself; and resolve to do one's part to build a better society.
This is what love and marriage are about. This all takes time - a lifetime.
CAROL LINDSAY HAGY
ROCKY MOUNT
Make it harder to tie the knot
NO. MARRIAGE licenses ought to be.
JEANNE HENLEY
RADFORD
Learning how to divorce
IN JUNE 1996, Judge Ray W. Grubbs enacted a standing order in Montgomery County stating that divorcing parents of all minor children must attend a Children of Divorce seminar. These seminars take the focus off the divorcing parents and put the emphasis on the emotional side of divorce for children. The participants learn about parental conflict and how to minimize the negative consequences of divorce.
Some other topics discussed in the seminar are: stages of adjustment common to a divorce; sharing parental responsibilities after divorce; and warning signs of problems in children that indicate professional assessment may be needed.
The Mental Health Association of the New River Valley is following a national trend by sponsoring these seminars. They are led by a team of psychologists, marriage and family therapists, and counselors with extensive experience in divorce and child counseling.
LISA A. MYERS
Social work intern
Mental Health Association of the New River Valley
CHRISTIANSBURG
A lot depends on the grounds
A BLANKET rule making all divorces hard to get is unfair and unrealistic. A divorce case should be decided by a judge, based on the facts in the individual case that are called ``grounds for divorce.''
A mandatory 30-day cooling-off period during which the court would look at evidence presented by the attorneys for each side - not testimony - could be used for interviews of the complainant and spouse by a third-party representing the court. At the end of 30 days, the parties would give testimony at a hearing. If such testimony and third-party recommendations show, to the court's satisfaction just and sufficient cause for a divorce, it should be granted. If the third-party recommends an additional 30 days due to a possibility of reconciliation, the court should schedule another hearing.
Your question implies that divorces are currently easy to get. I don't know if this is the case. It should be, especially if children are involved. Divorce requests made due to desertion, abandonment or criminal acts for which the defendant is incarcerated can be decided by the court based on statutory enablements, as can other uncontested divorces.
I do not know how divorce is currently handled in Virginia, and I hope I never have to find out.
JACK E. BYRD
HARDY
Finalize divorces in six months
NO, BECAUSE if a husband or wife is determined to leave a marriage - especially in cases of adultery where the man or woman wants out to be with someone else - prolonging the divorce procedure will not change that person's mind. Why prolong the hurt and agony of the spouse that is left behind, because of adultery or not?
In my opinion, ``no-fault'' divorce is unfair, but to prove fault is costly, time-consuming and emotionally draining.
Couples who have children shouldn't have to wait one year before a divorce is finalized. It's six months for childless couples, and it should be six months for everybody. Some may argue that a year gives you time to think and possibly reconcile. But if a person wants out, he or she is going to get out any way he or she can.
CHARLOTTE CUNNINGHAM
ROANOKE
Counseling should be required
DIVORCE is hard any way you face it. Death of a spouse isn't taken lightly, nor should divorce be, since it is a death of a family.
Divorce should be harder to get, with required counseling mandatory. Granted, the odds are against the marriage being salvaged once a spouse or both have decided to leave. Counseling could better prepare all parties, including children, for the consequences when a divorce takes place.
Perhaps counseling could bring some closure as to the real reason he or she or both want out. It could help a person sink, swim or float.
I chose to swim. I am leaning on God, the greatest counselor over all.
Make it harder? You bet - to get in and out of a marriage.
MARGARET TYREE CALDWELL
ROANOKE
Living without love is too hard
DIVORCES should be easy to get. Living with someone you do not love is hard, and makes you feel bitter in your marriage life. You stop caring.
For children, living with one parent in a good and warm environment is better than living with two parents in a violent environment.
NOPPOMAS CHANSIRI
BLACKSBURG
Get it over as quickly as possible
NO! I think when two people have no love between them, they should be able to get the divorce in a few weeks.
My divorce was 12 years ago, and was supposed to take a year. Because we owned a house and had a son, we had to have the property settlement finished, which took an additional six months.
People who have grown to dislike each other enough to want a divorce have a hard time agreeing on anything, let alone a property division. If our divorce proceedings had gone any longer, one of us would have killed the other. In desperation, I took way less than the court said was my fair share of the property, just to get it over with.
Another thing I found to be a complete waste of time was going to the attorney's office with a witness, and having a statement made to the effect that there was no chance the marriage could be salvaged.
If two adults cannot stand to live with each other, the court system shouldn't make it harder for them to have the marriage dissolved. To do so only makes a stressful situation much worse. I believe that we would hear of fewer cases of murder of ex-spouses if the courts made it easier to get out of a marriage.
ELLIE WEIKLE
SHAWSVILLE
For the sake of the kids
IT IS COMMONLY believed that divorce negatively impacts the well-being of children in any society. And there is enough empirical research that supports this contention.
However, it's also important to look at and examine the well-being of children who are not brought up in a loving, caring and nurturing family environment - yet their parents are still together. Would children be better off or worse off in or out of that environment? Perhaps divorce, in that kind of terrible family situation, would create some emotional burden in the short run, but it could be a better option in the long run. So, I believe divorce should be easily obtained when necessary.
FUNDA ELMAS
BLACKSBURG
Require a test for maturity
I SAY marriage should be harder to get. The state requires a test before a driving license is issued. Successful marriages are no less important to society at large.
A class in Maturity 101 should be required for engaged couples. They need a large dose of the real world to undo the unrealistic expectations fostered by television and the movies. Topics should include money management, family responsibilities, etc.
FRANK MALANGA
BLUE RIDGE
Get realistic about procreation's drive
NO, NO! Divorces should not be harder to get.
Neither should they be easier, and neither should polygamy or polygyny be condoned. Illicit cohabitation and fornication should be rigidly penalized.
Legalized prostitution would greatly reduce abortions, relief rolls, unwanted pregnancies, perversion, domestic violence, sexual diseases, rape and the prison population.
Procreation, nature's most impelling urge, should be realistically considered.
ERNEST F. REYNOLDS
ROANOKE
Wait a year before marrying
UNFORTUNATELY, I feel that any tightening of the laws to make it harder to divorce will cause more trouble than good for the adults as well as any children involved.
In my opinion, the only logical way to keep families intact is to make it harder for people to get married.
That could be implemented by simply forcing engaged couples to register their engagement at the courthouse, and then be forced to wait at least a year to receive a marriage license.
DAVID TATE
ROANOKE
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