ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, February 12, 1997 TAG: 9702120047
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
I was trying to find the income tax forms in the magazine pile when I found this really slick number called "Martha Stewart Living."
I was, as we said regularly in Radford, taken aback by the cover shot of Martha herself. She was wearing something very close to stirrup pants and a red sweater.
Simply put, she looked a lot better in those pants than the khakis she wears to muck around in the rhubarb.
But once you're past the cover, the same old Martha emerges.
Page 6 contains Martha's calendar for February. My calendar for that month is blank - except for a few tear stains. Martha's is almost full.
On Feb. 1, she was planting spinach and cilantro in a cold frame. No, I don't know anything about cilantro or cold frames.
On the 3rd, she was organizing pictures of her trip to Egypt. About the same time, I was working a crossword puzzle and trying to remember the four-letter word for cry of the bacchanals.
On the 5th, she was to be on the "Today" show, which I didn't watch because it makes me start yelling things at the television set.
On the 8th, so help me heaven, she was scheduled to vacuum and turn her mattresses.
I can see her now, in those great pants, effortlessly turning the king-size in the master bedroom.
On the 11th, she was going to sharpen her knives and scissors. And shame on all of you twerps and twerpesses who don't sharpen your knives and scissors. No wonder you have trouble slicing the pizza.
The day after Valentine's Day, she was to check the batteries in the smoke alarms and repot some viola in a cold frame. Let's not get into what I thought a viola was.
She was to rest on President's Day but was scheduled to have lunch with the Westport Rotary Club the next day.
And let's not forget, before we're through here, that her schedule included baking sugar cookies and freezing them - which is one of Martha's better ideas, in my opinion.
Boy. I'd probably be a lot happier if I had a schedule like that. All I do is go to Kroger's for four baking potatoes, three pizzas for five bucks and a book of crossword puzzles.
I'm dull. That's why the Westport Rotary Club never invites me to lunch. Not that I'd really like to go.
Anyway, Martha, there's no reason we can't be friends. How about sending me a gross or so of those sugar cookies when they're thawed out?
LENGTH: Medium: 53 linesby CNB