ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Tuesday, February 18, 1997 TAG: 9702180059
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 3 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: PERSONAL HEALTH
SOURCE: JANE BRODY
``The greatest gift one can give to children is not protection from stress, change or loss, but the confidence and tools to cope with and grow with all that life offers, both the good and the bad.''
That is the lesson Dr. Wendy Schessel Harpham says she has learned from six years of being a mother with cancer. Although it may be hard to imagine, Harpham is convinced that her three young children are emotionally healthier and ``better able to cope with the world - with disappointment, loss, challenge and sadness - than if I had never been sick.'' Cancer, she said, has been ``a strengthening force for my family.''
For half her children's lives or more, Harpham has been battling a low-grade form of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, a disease that has repeatedly receded and recurred and is currently in remission.
When her cancer was diagnosed in 1990, Harpham, a medical doctor who was 36 at the time, and her husband, Ted, a professor, had three young children: William, 22 months, Jessica, 3, and Becky, 5.
As with most families struck by cancer, the Harphams of Dallas had no road maps on how to integrate the stresses of a potentially fatal disease, the debilitating effects of repeated rounds of intensive chemotherapy and radiation, the challenges of a demanding career, and the needs and concerns of three young children who wanted their mother to be at their special events, to take them to the park and to be there whenever they needed her.
``When you're diagnosed with cancer, or with any serious disease, you're very needy - emotionally, spiritually and physically,'' Harpham said. ``How can you raise your kids if you as a parent have so many needs?''
Little by little, Harpham learned. She learned how to establish priorities, to recognize and accept her limits and to get help from friends and relatives so she could devote as much of her energy as possible to her children. The lessons are thoroughly explored in her new book, ``When a Parent Has Cancer: A Guide to Caring for Your Children'' (HarperCollins, $24). This is the third major book Harpham has written since her disease forced her to relinquish her medical practice. The others, ``Diagnosis Cancer: Your Guide Through the First Few Months'' and ``After Cancer: A Guide to Your New Life,'' also grew out of her personal experience and intense desire to help people facing cancer get the very most out of their lives.
The new book began as a several-page sequel to ``Becky and the Worry Cup,'' a story she wrote to be read to children trying to cope with a parent who is seriously ill. But Harpham soon found that she had much more to say to parents than could fit into a brief addendum. So the ``Becky'' book became an insert on the cover of the main book.
Later, Harpham discovered a related work, ``How to Help Children Through a Parent's Serious Illness,'' by Kathleen McCue, a child-life specialist at the Cleveland Clinic, with Ron Bonn.
Like McCue, Harpham insists on telling children the truth. Maybe not every gory detail, but they need to know enough to understand the unavoidable changes in their lives.
Children must also be reassured that they will always be cared for, no matter what happens to their ill parent. They need to know mundane things like whether there will be someone to drive the car pool, watch their ballet performance, fix lunch or read them bedtime stories. The less a child's routine is disrupted, the better.
Children also need to be prepared for the physical changes that will happen to the parent - scars, hair loss, fatigue and the like - and should be reassured that, despite them, it is the same mom or dad inside.However, Harpham said it was a good idea to shield children from avoidable daily reminders of the parent's illness, like walking around with a bald head or exposed bruises.
Too often, ill parents make the mistake of feeling guilty and apologetic about being unable to fulfill all their children's needs. ``I learned that my kids did better when I was firm about the unavoidable changes they didn't like,'' Harpham wrote. She told them: ``I know you don't like it, but there is no choice about going to the movies. Your choice is whether you sulk or find something fun to do at home.''
The process, Harpham emphasizes, is continuing.
``Since I didn't get well, and I didn't die, my family was stuck with dealing with cancer,'' she wrote. ``I had to continue to learn about what was happening with my kids and find new and better ways to help them.''
Based on McCue's extensive experience in counseling families with a seriously ill parent, Harpham has zeroed in on five ``early warning signs'' that a child is not dealing well with the situation and needs help.
They are sleep disturbances, such as repeated awakenings during the night, bad dreams and sleepwalking; eating disturbances, such as eating constantly, overeating or eating very little; fears of almost anything, such as doctors, letter carriers, a baby sitter or being in the room with the sick parent; and developmental difficulties, such as forgetting toilet-training, dropping out of activities, getting poor grades, trying to avoid school, picking fights with other children, developing pains that have no physical cause, and acting out or becoming unduly quiet.
- New York Times Syndicate
LENGTH: Medium: 93 linesby CNB