ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, February 19, 1997 TAG: 9702190086
SECTION: VIRGINIA PAGE: C-1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: A Cuppa Joe
SOURCE: JOE KENNEDY
What do you call a man who comes home from work and immediately loses himself at the TV, his desk or some other private haven?
Normal.
What do you call a woman who comes home from work and immediately starts talking about everything that went wrong, in excruciating detail and with no apparent desire to wrap it up?
Normal.
Given these tendencies, do you think it's likely that this couple's post-work hours will be as blissful as they imagined on the day they fell in love?
Me neither.
But that's OK, because, as clinical psychological Louis Perrott told a group Sunday afternoon at a church in Southwest Roanoke County, "If you aren't struggling in your relationship ... you're sick and abnormal."
Isn't that good to know?
Different ways to communicate
Perrott and Susan Boyes, a colleague with the Manassas Group, conducted the first of three free seminars in their Better Home Loving Series. The topic was "Why Can't a Woman Be More Like a Man?"
Twenty-two people attended. Sixteen were women, but as the speakers made plain, that was to be expected. Generally, women like to share their feelings. They like to discuss problems. They do not like to have their male partners pepper them with solutions to these problems.
Generally, males do not enjoy listening to discussions with no apparent desire for closure. Men are problem-solvers, better suited to goal-oriented tasks than sharing their emotions.
On Sunday, the women did most of the talking, and all of the sharing. The men sat in the back of the room and mostly just listened.
For two hours.
On a sunny day.
`Try to be a teacher'
Everyone heard truths they already sensed - men need sex to feel intimate, women need intimacy to feel sexual; men get gratification from their jobs, women from their relationships; men want women to act the way they do, and women want the same from men.
Unfortunately, they're stuck with each other, so they have to learn to get along.
When women start describing their troubles, men feel overwhelmed, like they're getting blamed.
When men start giving solutions, women feel put down.
When men start discussing their problems - oh, never mind. Most men don't do that. They go off by themselves and puzzle things out.
"Women do have a great need to whine and explain verbally the things that are upsetting to them," Boyes said, causing a slight stir.
Men are "under-attuned to the feeling side of problems," said Perrott. He thought "whine" was putting it too strongly.
How can a woman get her man to see her side of all this?
"Try to be a teacher," Boyes suggested. Tell him he doesn't have to solve the problems you're describing, that you just want him to listen.
"Is it unfair for a woman to expect a man to do this?" Boyes asked.
"Yes," Perrott said. Unless he is "a willing male."
They suggested a few tools that can help, including showing empathy and recognizing and avoiding "trigger points."
Example: She says she needs to hear you say you love her. You say, "I come home every night, don't I?"
Ka-blam.
That's a trigger point.
To prevent trouble, a woman can give a guy time alone before she starts to talk. A guy can agree to listen later - and keep his word.
Marriage is not happily-ever-after, the experts said. It's "building and maintaining a relationship for the rest of your life."
Apparently so. The audience appeared to range in age from the 20s to the 60s, and the older half of them asked more questions than the young.
What's your story? Call me at 981-3256, send e-mail to joek@roanoke.com or write to P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke, 24010.
LENGTH: Medium: 82 linesby CNB