ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, March 12, 1997 TAG: 9703120096
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
I have to say again that I don't know what we would do without The Wall Street Journal - even those of us who keep our money under the mattress and worry about bank holidays.
Without this newspaper, we would never have known that you can order a coffin by calling an 800 number. The Journal didn't give any numbers, but I think we can assume something like 1-800-IAM-DEAD.
I should say here that these coffins are available at discount prices and can be delivered within 24 hours.
Sensitive consumers must wonder what the conversation would be like on the 800 line - although we all should be in favor of marked-down caskets.
We've all talked to people named Tanya or Vicki at mail order houses and disclosed such personal information as waist size and inseam length - these ladies being trained not to giggle at such information.
I imagine that, when you call the 800 number, the following occurs:
"This is Affordable Caskets Inc. My name is Whitney. How may I help you?"
"Yes, well, that is, um, er, I wonder what you have in the way of bronze jobs or one of those things with the tiles on the sides."
"Certainly, sir. May I ask how tall you are and how much you weigh?"
"Why do you have to know that?"
"Well, sir, we want to be certain that you fit into your coffin. If you're pudgy, your pallbearers might have trouble with one of our really splendid bronze jobs."
"Whitney, you're a great girl, but I have just decided to be cremated."
"Right, sir. We have some really big discounts on funeral urns."
"Forget it, Whitney. Some friends of mine are going to sprinkle me out of a plain paper poke at Eighth and Randolph Streets in Radford when nobody is looking."
Let's say that you do put one of these coffins on Mastercard and have it delivered to the mortuary of your choice.
The federal government fines funeral homes that won't accept coffins that are bought somewhere else.
The funeral home, however, is likely to be about as happy as your favorite garage would be if you bought your own discount oil and filter in every 3,000 miles. Or your own brake pads.
I don't like to say this, but the day may come when you can call 1-800-DIG-MINE and get a great price on a front-end loader to take care of the grave.
In the meantime, I wish Whitney would go with L.L. Bean.
LENGTH: Medium: 52 linesby CNB