ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Thursday, March 13, 1997 TAG: 9703130008
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A-15 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: CHRISTOPHER SLONE|
TODAY IT'S sheep, tomorrow it's Web Hubbell. We need to nip this cloning thing in the bud right here, right now.
When Dr. Ian Wilmut of Edinburgh's Roslin Institute announced recently that he had successfully cloned an adult mammal, my immediate thought was: What kind of a name is "Wilmut"? My next thought was: Is the Roslin Institute anything like the Pond's Institute? My third thought, which is the most relevant to the point at hand, was: The White House must be behind this.
Now normally - except for that blatant UFO cover-up back at Roswell Air Force Base - I don't buy into government-conspiracy theories. But the circumstances surrounding this cloning business are just a little too curious.
Think about it: We're supposed to believe that some no-name scientist (some sort of mutant James Herriot, no less) in some no-name country (technically, Scotland) ups and discovers how to clone an animal after only 23 years of research. Highly improbable. I think this Herriot fellow had to have had help - money, equipment, personnel. There's only one place I know of that gives that kind of help: the Democratic National Committee.
That's right, the DNC. But why, you ask. Why would the DNC be channeling funds to a quirky little Scottish embryologist?
The answer is 2x>x.
Don't be frightened by my masterful use of algebra. This is really a simple formula once the variable is known. In this case, "x" is "an ethically challenged Asian willing to pay $250,000 just to have 'coffee' with the president of the United States of America." So "2x" then would equal "two ethically challenged Asians willing to pay $250,000 each just to have 'coffee' with the president of the United States of America." (``$500,000'' for short.) By cloning its most notorious contributors, the DNC believes it can double its kitty.
It's so obvious it hurts.
Yet the shenanigans don't stop there, for now we know what Hillary Clinton's infamous computerized donor database is really about: It's nothing but a glorified gene pool. I think the Clintons and the DNC have actually put together a short list of Democratic donors to clone at a moment's notice. If you have ever wondered through what murky waters genetic engineering would eventually lead us, wonder no more. The master race of the future will likely be a bunch of rich, schmoozy Democrats with a penchant for political access.
In their zeal, however, the Democrats may have inadvertently created a monster. What if the new technology should fall into the wrong hands? What if Republicans learned to clone, too?
If special prosecutor Kenneth Starr were cloned, one of him could quit the Whitewater investigation right now and go be dean of the Pepperdine Law School while the other continued digging up dirt on the Clintons ad infinitum.
If radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh were cloned, he might be on the airwaves six hours a day instead of three. If House Speaker Newt Gingrich were cloned, one of him could suck up to Jesse Jackson while the other resumed the ideological helm of the Republican Revolution.
What if, horror of all horrors, somebody like Ross Perot were to be cloned? (One could be fully interested in running for president while the other truly wasn't.) Or Dick Morris? (One could advise the president while the other ... never mind.)
I don't know if the DNC realizes what it has gotten us into. Influence peddling is one thing; gene peddling is something altogether different. Have the Dems gone too far in search of the Almighty Dollar? I can't say for sure, but I'd be willing to bet on it, double or nothing.
CHRISTOPHER SLONE of Roanoke is a graduate student living temporarily in Virginia Beach.
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