ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, April 2, 1997 TAG: 9704020012
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Bne Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
If you all will come in a little closer, I'll let you in on this really great bit of luck I may have had.
Don't crowd. Don't call attention to yourselves. I want to be sure the greatest station wagon driver of them all - who thinks that being outdoors planting things is better than butter beans - doesn't hear me. The driver, incidentally, turns out a flower garden every year that would make Martha Stewart a little less sure of herself.
It seems - and excuse me for looking over my shoulder like that, which my grandmother taught me never to do - that there won't be any mulch this year.
If this holds up, I can expect to add a few more years to my life and keep the mileage down on the wheelbarrow.
Think of that. Not having to go to the emergency room on Sunday with a nose emergency and breathe this funny stuff in this tube. And wondering when somebody is going to come up and say that it serves you right for moving mulch on a Sunday.
This is not to mention avoiding stress on my Achilles' tendons, episodes of hallucination, wear and tear of my respiratory system and the feeling that I'd be better off if I could get drafted again.
That was one good thing about being in the Army. You never had to shovel mulch. I was in the Army so long ago that mulch probably hadn't been invented.
I don't know if I can celebrate yet
But we're into April now and I haven't seen a mulch truck come anywhere near the driveway.
I'm prepared for that if one comes around. I'm going to say that we just had the driveway repaved and the weight of a mulch truck might be too much for it.
And the driver will say the mulch is free and I'll pull out the canceled paving check to show her the driveway wasn't.
I'm optimistic because mulch hasn't been mentioned yet. I think it was about to come up recently, but I cleverly turned the conversation to a discussion of why a water pump would go bad at 36,000 miles.
Incidentally, many of you older persons might be surprised to know where your average water pump on your average car is located these days.
God knows where the fuel pump is. I hope it doesn't break.
(I was driving one of these new cars recently. It was a very red Grand Am. With a spoiler. The reason I was driving it is far too dull for morning reading. Just let me say that the windshield wiper wand is located on the right side of the steering wheel - where the gearshift ought to be in a decent civilization.
(The gears are on the floor, but every time I wanted the car to go, I cut on the wipers and every time I wanted to put it into park the same thing happened.
(The driver was embarrassed to tears. I think she wanted to catch the bus home from Draper - which I don't think you can do. Anyway, this car has the cleanest windshield this side of Mouth of Wilson and its water pump seems to be all right.)
Whoa! Where were we?
Oh, yeah. Mulch.
I can tell you now that when I retire completely, I'm going to form a health group called Citizens Against Mulch. This will shorten to CAM.
I know this is not very clever, but it will make it much easier for you to write checks when I send you the pledge card with 24 free stick-on return address labels - which will make you feel guilty if you keep them and don't send money.
Hey, we need the money, folks. You got any idea how much it costs to replace your water pump?
LENGTH: Medium: 73 linesby CNB